day 15090 – beneath 

i didn’t have to come today but i didn’t know what to do with myself when my mind doesn’t stop going. struggles still pop up though all this time i denied i was hurt much deeper than the surface. here i am on a friday night trying to workout like i have nothing else better to do. i have to step back, take a deep breath and remind myself i didn’t do anything wrong

Advertisements

day 1342 – fortunate and unfortunate

i consider myself very lucky still eating my brother’s birthday cake with family despite everything that could go wrong is going wrong. if my reaction came any later at the speed it unfolded, i may have been on my way out. as i sit alone at night with thoughts flowing in and out, thinking i may or may not have a legacy to leave behind. i just know i still have a lot untried and unaccomplished, and all my dearest and a ton of regrets i can’t bear to leave behind

 

day 1154 – hold off

image

i feel like i’ve lost control of what i can control. i can’t hide the disappointment that hit me when physio told me to stop and rest for a week. he rarely does that to me and usually lets me play within my limits, so when he does, i know it’s severe. that means skipping games, gym, trainings…does it also mean skip my competition?? how long i manage to stay away remains to be seen. overwhelming day with that news, school and more life questions

day 1092 – in isolation

image

i intentionally trapped myself in my own world today. i didn’t leave the house, didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to think, didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to do anything. i feel more so stressed and hopeless; i have nothing to prove. it all works to my advantage since my ankle couldn’t move anyways. some disturbing thoughts floated around my mind today, but they were dismissed before it got too far. nothing was done as if today never happened

day 930 – head tangled

image

this is what happens when my mind is not there while i am trying to do box jumps. carelessly doing things while i am physically present but mentally absent. my brain just hasn’t been able to focus on the tasks at hand because all the stresses are getting to me. why are there so many obstacles, conditions and road blocks separating me and my desires. it’s a bad sign when i am slowly beginning to believe me and my dreams were not meant to be

stay the course

image

it’s been an atrocious week for me. ever since dodgeball playoffs ended last saturday, my world has turned upside down. a visit to emergency room on sunday morning didn’t give me the slightest idea of my finger injury status. i haven’t got a clue what was going on, what my path looks like, or what i should do. my biggest fear is the severity will keep me from training for what quite possibly is my one and only chance. i was really worried because i am already feeling pressed for time because there isn’t an abundant of time remaining and there’s a lot of training and learning needed to be done. this competition is one that i have been really looking forward to, so i would be more than disappointed if i cannot compete. but at the same time, knowing i will not risk entering the competition if i know i am not prepared to give myself the best chance possible. i was beyond stressed out because i couldn’t even tell my loved ones the truth of what happened and what was going on in my head. i was forced to really downplay the whole situation and acted like nothing is wrong when truth is everything was clearly not right. i spent the next four days really battling myself and everything else, and at some point it got so low i felt like i was a wreck. thankfully i am surrounded by people willing and ready to help. i knew i couldn’t continue to let everything get out of hand; i needed to pick myself off the ground and regroup because no matter what tomorrow holds, i needed to fix my finger. an acupuncture treatment was a good start to reduce the swelling and increase the mobility. a date to see my physio really put me at ease cause i trust him more than many, so when he says he’s almost certain there’s no fracture, i believe him. slowly but surely, it’s making progress and it’s looking a lot like my hopes for competition is still alive

day 762 – self destructive

image

monday blues definitely hit me really hard. woke up with a headache and feeling crappy overall, not wanting to get out of bed, unable to be productive and not knowing what to do with myself. the gloomy wetness outside only makes matter worse and all i want to do is sit around and do nothing. do nothing it was, and i got a starbucks that i don’t deserve one bit. but later in the afternoon, i willed myself to get some stuff done instead of being a completely useless human being