day 2376 – not deserving

i felt like crap after training because i simply couldn’t replicate and connect my cartwheel with anything going backwards. i wanted help but no chance because he’s too focused helping one person. left the gym disappointed beating myself up. i didn’t deserve to eat so i went straight home so i wouldn’t tear up in front of people. whenever i don’t do what i need to, i would punish myself with no food because eating needs to be earned

day 2217 – nothing left

i’m feeling upset and beat because it’s crunch time and i can’t seem to land anything, not even my basic back tuck. the test is in a matter of days and my x-out feels like it’s fallen apart. it’s not a required board breaking, but i have been yearning to do this and if i was only going to take the fourth dan test once in my life, i better make it be something i’ll remember. i wanted to be proud of what i did and not just do the bare minimum. at this rate, i’m not sure if it’s going to happen

day 1908 – bought in

felt like i needed to take a plunge into hustle mode and did just that in a gigantic way. i’m frustrated with the stall and the lackluster effort i’ve mustered as of late. let’s not have any more unnecessary setbacks that’s going to prevent me from where i need to go. instead, i’ve decided to take my destiny in my own hands and make a hard push for everything i’ve ways wanted and envisioned. i won’t let anything stop me when i’m being held accountable

day 1882 – blurried

my goal got a little blurried last two days so needed a reminder for myself. i’m not happy with how i went off track the last two days. all i know is it’s time to pull myself back into it. i need to find ways to hold myself accountable for the things i set out to do. recognizing i faltered and knowing i’m the only one who can fix the problem and move onwards to get it right again

day 1826 – work calls

i went into work and did my lunch and learn presentation. i went not because i wanted to, but cause obligation calls. the way everything has unfolded recently left me feeling sour and i’m about to give up trying to reach for justice. i no longer feel like standing up for what’s fair and will just do whatever is said. the amount of work i manage, the amount of stress from all directions, and the lack of respect i’m receiving just doesn’t add up. the renumeration that was promised doesn’t exist. if things don’t change, then i’m on my way out

day 1824 – current status

img_20200130_213535463764481126162429.jpgicing and heating both my shoulder and elbow while maintaining movement is the story of the day. i really didn’t know what to do and what to think of it because i hadn’t done any tests, scans or rays. i refused to go to emergency even though dozens urged me to do so. i had no mood to do anything knowing sports is off limits right now. so i just stayed at home in the heat and sweated my sorrows away

day 1795 – seven tissues deepĀ 

img_20200130_2159005575391821405239284.jpgcrappy does it when showing up to hockey with the last of my fuel to do everything i could do and still get shat on for one thing i didn’t do. it also doesn’t help that the cherry picking linemate told me i had stopped skating. thanks but no thanks; at least i’m the one up doing forechecks and the one to rush back to finish my backchecks while you wait at the red line for that perfect pass. i got home really bitter and that one thought alone kept me up late at night. it’s one thing to have high expectations, it’s another to be shatting on me for one thing i couldn’t do without gas left in my tank. i’m beyond upset and didn’t feel the need to even react to anymore comments