day 2376 – not deserving

i felt like crap after training because i simply couldn’t replicate and connect my cartwheel with anything going backwards. i wanted help but no chance because he’s too focused helping one person. left the gym disappointed beating myself up. i didn’t deserve to eat so i went straight home so i wouldn’t tear up in front of people. whenever i don’t do what i need to, i would punish myself with no food because eating needs to be earned

day 1958 – morning work days

back to work on early monday morning not feeling rest at all as i’m still fighting a nagging cold and cough. i can’t even buy sleep when i’m waking up at 2am and 4am everyday. it’s a never ending cycle of cough affecting my sleep pattern and the inability to sleep affecting the cold recovery. i keep finding reasons not go to into my family doctor’s office. it’s probably a waste of time since she doesn’t really solve my problems

day 1778 – handspring 

it was a rough day with so much fluttering through my mind and possibly a big decision oncoming. i few messages sent my way in the morning almost made me explode. i didn’t feel like going to flip after work, but i did anyway. wasn’t too bad with my first cracked at combos and crash course on front handsprings. i was, however, terrible at back tucks and didn’t bother doing anymore than three before i called it a day. i went home feeling quite disappointed and down. it’s just one of those off days that wasn’t meant to be, but i’ll come back clean and try again next time

林奕匡 – 有淚多好

it’s a good song, but a sad one. a song that looped and looped over hundred times in my car and on my computer because it speaks for my heart. i can’t explain and don’t want to try to explain why tears just keep rolling uncontrollably. all this is just wreckage to my soul, and i’m ready to pull out to end the misery. every day i tell myself that this will all be over some day. i guess i’m just waiting for the moment to speak and get it over with

day 1420 – disconnect 

img_20200203_1331094659336958733890536.jpgthere’s no change since. the fact that i still feel alone hasn’t changed. it makes me wonder what difference it makes being in a relationship. i still feel i am on my own. has it gotten too comfortable to the point where communication can be so sparse and the disconnect can be so big?? i don’t have a lot of needs and i don’t demand for much, maybe that’s why i get pushed aside and pushed down in priorities. i try to sweep it under the rug but i can’t help noticing my patience that something will turn around is declining. holding on might not be the thing to do anymore

day 1419 – breakless

the weight accumulated in the past two months has caught up to me. on the exterior i act invincible, but i can only fool others and not myself. the more i tried to brainwash myself, the deeper i fall. at times i thought i didn’t want to fight anymore and wanted to give in. i fear that i’m nearing the brink of losing it – losing the patience to battle. didn’t have an appetite for any breakfast or lunch. i tried to bury myself with work to occupy every part of me

day 1408 – set lunch 

img_20200203_1545135721863632268455186.jpgmissed the vendor lunch and learn because conference call takes precedence. they saved the extra catered set lunch for me after their lecture. the question is why am i staring at the pretzel bun chicken burger past 1pm and have no appetite?? it wasn’t going to eat itself so i proceeded to take a few bites. what i managed to put in my mouth tasted good, but i only made it through the carrots and half the bun before i gave up