day 1510 – disconnect 

there’s no change since. the fact that i still feel alone hasn’t changed. it makes me wonder what difference it makes being in a relationship. i still feel i am on my own. has it gotten too comfortable to the point where communication can be so sparse and the disconnect can be so big?? i don’t have a lot of needs and i don’t demand for much, maybe that’s why i get pushed aside and pushed down in priorities. i try to sweep it under the rug but i can’t help noticing my patience that something will turn around is declining. holding on might not be the thing to do anymore

day 1509 – breakless

the weight accumulated in the past two months has caught up to me. on the exterior i act invincible, but i can only fool others and not myself. the more i tried to brainwash myself, the deeper i fall. at times i thought i didn’t want to fight anymore and wanted to give in. i fear that i’m nearing the brink of losing it – losing the patience to battle. didn’t have an appetite for any breakfast or lunch. i tried to bury myself with work to occupy every part of me

day 1498 – set lunch 

missed the vendor lunch and learn because conference call takes precedence. they saved the extra catered set lunch for me after their lecture. the question is why am i staring at the pretzel bun chicken burger past 1pm and have no appetite?? it wasn’t going to eat itself so i proceeded to take a few bites. what i managed to put in my mouth tasted good, but i only made it through the carrots and half the bun before i gave up

day 1476 – on strike

taking things a little personal and realizing i need to do something about it. it bothers me enough to tear up a little. it’s one of those things when i don’t feel deserving and i’m stubborn enough to do it. i prefer not eating and i will feel that way until i can hit the gym again. i’ll get hangry at times, but eating is secondary to being good enough in my own terms – not to mention it conserves time and money. it’s a little easier to get around it when parents are out of town

day 1455 – my ride

it wasn’t the best of days at dodgeball; just felt really tired and not up to it. i couldn’t get into it and felt ousted. though driving my own car again made up some of my horrible play. i realized how much i enjoy driving my car because the driving experience was lost i was driving other cars. i happily went for a joy ride until i realized my gas tank was running low

day 1452 – soluable

i thought wrong when i thought i could go home and get back to the same routine. pretty much everything i’ve been able to keep down has been liquid substance with the exception of bread. the only solid food i’ve managed to keep down is a plain toast at breakfast. sunday is not the same when i can’t heave this bar but i simply have no energy in me. sadly i had to refrain myself from doing my lifts and keep it light and under control

day 1451 – flying home

saying goodbye to florida and the sunshine for now; i hope to be back soon. it was a memorable trip going away with mo and experiencing florida together. being ill on this trip for sure dampened my mood and made things difficult. it was a short and good one, but i’m glad we’re heading home to where it’s most comfortable and familiar. now it’s time to get back to our normal routine and resume our grind