day 2415 – phone spam

waited well after class until all other classes and students dissipated so we could have some space and equipment to work with. during the wait, we had fun trying out the vlogger life by spamming photos and videos on someone’s unattended phone. sadly neither my back tuck nor any of my kicks felt good today. i did get a chance at the very end to work on my webster and aerial takeoff. i’m still ashamed i don’t get it and i can’t tell if i’m making progress with it

day 2373 – rutted

i’ve had far too many nose blows the past few months. the amount of times i stay awake being sad and discouraged far exceeds the times i not. i’m so tired of it; the feeling of quitting happens every other day. i’m not okay being neglected, left alone to fail and self destruct while some get the full on instructions. it hurts me that i show up to classes and open gyms ready to learn, ready to land my next move, but i’m clearly not their priority because they’ve got their ‘pokemon’ to train. i don’t deserve this and it hurts me so much inside more than words can explain

day 2451 – snowy disappointment

the forecast was correct as snow fell overnight. it wasn’t a whole lot, so i could still drive my mom’s car to work. i was hit with a bunch of disappointment at flipping tonight. what i felt in december came back again – i felt like i wasn’t getting the same support and learning opportunity. i’m pretty frustrated i’m not getting what i need to make progress. all i ever hear is i’m making progress, i’m missing technique; but i’m not getting any support or guidance as to how to fix that technique or what it is i need to do to get there. it’s the neglect and the constant empty promises that’s really getting to me. maybe my initial gut feeling was correct and i should pack it in because no one believes i can land anything anymore

day 2324 – reasons to quit

rough day doing flips today made me think of a lot of things that wasn’t suppose to cross my mind. i get the feeling others have already written me off and that i’ll no longer be able to land anything anymore. it’s unfair to be left hanging and it’s the main reason i’m considering quitting. i’m not a person that can settle with no foreseeable goals. in my mind, i’m thinking if i don’t land a new move either webster, butterfly twist, flash or flash gainer before the end of this year, i’m going to call it quits. maybe it’s better for everyone anyway so i’m not given false hope that i can be any good

day 1885 – ultrasound

a very delayed ultrasound for the shoulder that’s not healing nicely. something must be wrong with it if in two months i’ve made no progress. as told by my chiropractor and kinesiologist, the chance of my tendon being torn is very high. based on my knowledge plus reading up on symptoms, my initial instinct from day one was correct when i said something was damaged. now the investigation is on to find out what’s the severity and what’s the recover

day 1349 – rebuilding

the plate seems a lot heavier than weeks ago. my body still feels so out of sync from neck down after the accident. the many recent mishaps caused so many disruptions to my progress which is making me more impatient day after day. i’m still trying to rebuild but that won’t happen unless my body is recalibrated and it doesn’t help when i can’t seem to fall asleep and stay asleep at night

struggle is real

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i won’t lie, i am defeated and deflated. ever since coming back from nationals earlier this week, i have yet to get a good night’s sleep or get much sleep at all. my mind is constantly thinking; thinking nonstop, even when i am tired because i cannot fall asleep because it hurts me so. feeling depressed and disappointed not because of my performance or that i didn’t have a podium finish. it’s seeing the national battlefield and noticing my competition continues to get better year after year for they have proper coaching to lead them up. i want to stay with the pack and give myself a good chance, but i am beginning to think doing it alone is next to impossible. there’s a lot of skepticism about how my road ahead looks like and what i should be doing when it doesn’t look like it’s going to take me to the destination of my choice. struggling mightily to figure out what i need to do in order to give myself the best possible chance for success. for the time being, i see no possible room for advancement if i continue to train here, simply because there is no adequate resources in this area. that’s what happens when we are leading the pack in the province but there’s no support from the school up top. for as long as i stay here, every step of the way will be a struggle. i need to figure out something to draw out and realize my fullest potential and do what’s best for me

day 562 – going all out asian

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going the asian route in attempt to cure this lingering cough that doesn’t seem to be going away even after four long weeks. it seems like i have tried every possible solution but had little success or progress to show for. the condition gets especially bad early mornings and late at night which works well if i need a body clock to tell me when it’s 10am and 10pm

day 555 – more drugs

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back for more drugs because i simply can’t get enough of these cough syrups. and if it wasn’t for zero improvements after finishing another bottle of cough syrup and more bags of cough candy, i would not be going to the doctor for prescribed medication. i can’t continue feeling so useless and weak, forcing me to miss out on so much training, work, regular routine and fun. hoping this will be enough to knock me out tonight and wake up tomorrow feeling human again

day 249 – after effect

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the after effect of using resistance band during my training session. guess i should have taken a look at it while i was doing it instead of continuing and ignoring the pain as if everything is okay. pain is a reoccuring theme in my life that it now feels normal, to the point where my pain sensors don’t even register that as pain. only i know exactly what’s going on inside my mind and body, no one else would ever understand the pain i go through and what goes on within so don’t act like you do