stumbling

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i can’t be certain if my mind and my heart will still be in one piece come end of this month. there were so many times this month when i sat alone in the dark wanting to cry, wanting to run myself through the wall, wanting to pull my hair out and wanting to quit everything. but then, when i think about it again, what good with that do?? would it solve all the problems and frustrations i have at hand?? before i did anything careless, i managed to step back to gather myself and viewed things from a broader angle. stumbling is part of life, falling down is a must because that’s when you learn what you are made of. i’m sure all the greats have fallen at some point in the lifetime but somehow they managed to get to where they are now. i know i had to make some big and extremely tough decisions lately, but i made them and will be able to live with it for the rest of my life. there’s a lot of things in my life worth striving for, a lot to look forward to in the future. i shouldn’t let one or two or a few setbacks dictate and ruin my life. i promised myself i would only give myself a week to dwell and regroup, but after that, i will once again find the determination to move closer to my dreams and goals

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day 893 – tough decision

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alone late at night thinking long and hard about my decision. truly thankful for all the supportive feedback i’ve received from the people i’ve spoken with on this topic; it made this tough stretch a little less painful. i think i have made my final decision to pass up what i’ve been dreaming of the past half a year – a chance at us open. perhaps having this decision made will end all those nights of waking up at 4am feeling extremely stressed. i’m no doubt disappointed i chose to back out of this opportunity but i feel it’s the right decision at this point. i feel terrible for all those that put their time and energy into getting me ready for this event, i feel bad i couldn’t make it happen. maybe it’s a sign i need to work harder on both my mental and physical game to earn my ticket to a competition as grand as us open. i haven’t given up my competition dreams, it just means i get a head start to preparing and training for the future ones. next up: nationals

day 752 – back when i could

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another one of those reflection fridays because whenever i sit there with some spare time, my mind starts wandering and flashing back to things i am better of not thinking about. things were a whole lot different back then and i was a whole lot more innocent and carefree. back when i could do it with no regrets. i am trying so hard to figure out a way to get over this hump, get my mind and body together and continue where i left off because i ain’t giving up and ain’t going to give up until i get this once and for all!!

persist

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things in life that’s worth working for is rarely easy, but it’s these things that makes life interesting. it’s only human nature to give up when things get hard. it’s even easier for one to feel deflated and hopeless when life becomes more of a struggle. but just because things aren’t going our way now, doesn’t mean they will stay that way. it’s in your own control to turn things around one hundred eighty degrees and make it how you want it to be. starting something is never easy, but keeping up with it is even more difficult. the decision is made, i am about to take on a challenge that feels a little daunting with a lot of self doubts but i think once i persevere through that, i would come out a stronger and better person. eager to started because once i get my feet wet, there’s no turning back. it’s just another character building challenge with lots to prove and lots to gain. this will be an evaluation of how much i want it and how much i am willing to stick with it

face it

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after getting some unexpected news on unreasonable competition policy and feeling rather disheartened, i have really let it slip and fallen off the tracks completely. at a point where i am getting the feeling i am on the verge of giving up and hanging it up because it no longer satisfies me the way it used to. maybe i am feeling the pressure of all the expectations and i worry i won’t live up to it. or it could be the preposterous conditions and requirements the school is imposing that’s making me feel like they are denying our opportunities to grow and improve. it scares me to have the feeling that the competition doesn’t mean as much to me anymore because my interest doesn’t lie within the provinicial level. i don’t want to lose sight of the intended goals and give up on the things i have been striving for all this time because i am not ready to let it end. given the circumstances and the time constraints i have to work with, i can’t afford to have any off days that will ultimately put me two steps back each time. really needing a little push to get back in the groove, because it’s coming up so soon and time is a pressing issue. it’s a challenge i will have to face and push through the mind block no matter how much i disagree with their decision

take no excuses

image my leg was burning and could not muster another rep so i turned to my kinesiologist and said i am exhausted. he in turn stared at me with little compassion and told me i must tank it and keep going no matter what my body feels. every now and then, he would look over to check on me and tell me not to slack off because he knows me far too well. over the many years, the kins that worked with me knows exactly what i do to get out of doing things i consider difficult. i guess i have developed a slacker reputation and one that will stick with me for as long as i live. they no longer concede to any of my excuses or complaints because know that i give up too easily and only stay within my comfort zone. in other words, unless i puke, faint or die on the spot, i must keep going because he isn’t decreasing the reps or weight. and in at the end i survived it all and knew i had done something right for once. he told me he believed i was strong enough and forced me to find a way to tough it out, all i needed was a push. i’ll take that compliment with me and think about it at home. he also said that training is meant to be hard so to push me to my limit because it’s all about overcoming weaknesses. if the training was easy, i would be cheating myself. thankfully he hadn’t conceded to my whining otherwise i would have taken the easy way out for the two hundred thousandths time

the truth of success

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often people have very ambitious goals and so happens to be right after new years for obvious reasons. it’s one thing to set goals but its another thing to do what it takes to achieve it. the saying it’s easier said than done is true to its words, i would know. but make sure once you set these goals, you back it up with action or else it only gets lost and becomes a dream in never never land. the road to success isn’t meant to be easy. in fact, more often than not, every goal is a long winding road that will involve many setbacks and obstacles along the way. don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t turn out exactly how you envisioned, keep looking forward and slowly but surely you will reach your goal