day 2186 – self journal reflect

a friend of mine has recently made me buy in on decluttering. took the morning to do a clean up of my room and only got through a portion of it. i got rid of a number of things i won’t be using again and listed new or almost new items on facebook marketplace. being the end of week four, i had a bit of reflection time for my self journal. i must say i’ve done a pretty terrible job the past two weeks. i really need to do a better job of staying on track and being diligent with my choices

day 2013 – frozen pipes

shadow desperately needed a bath, but the outdoor pipes are frozen. i attempted to do a quick rinse anyway. i found filled a bucket with water, but that clearly didn’t work as planned every time i put water on to the car, it would immediately freeze and turn into ice. i’m afraid i won’t be able to give it a good wash until the weather warms up, which hopefully wouldn’t be too long of a wait

day 1961 – fishy cravings

it hasn’t been long since i had some. but the fish craving is pretty strong once again since i didn’t get a fair share of sashimi during my vacation. going without sushi for more than week is rare, but it’s hard to be picky when on vacation. also, i was told not to trust the salmon within many places in asia. the best fishes are on the west coast, so it only makes sense i take full advantage of them and abuse my rights

day 1795 Рseven tissues deep 

crappy does it when showing up to hockey with the last of my fuel to do everything i could do and still get shat on for one thing i didn’t do. it also doesn’t help that the cherry picking linemate told me i had stopped skating. thanks but no thanks; at least i’m the one up doing forechecks and the one to rush back to finish my backchecks while you wait at the red line for that perfect pass. i got home really bitter and that one thought alone kept me up late at night. it’s one thing to have high expectations, it’s another to be shatting on me for one thing i couldn’t do without gas left in my tank. i’m beyond upset and didn’t feel the need to even react to anymore comments

day 1561 Рbandwidth 

i can’t control that some people are toxic and can’t mind their own business. no matter how i take care of my tasks, there’s always going to be somebody ready to stir the pot. my bandwidth is full with projects stacked on projects, it has no capacity to deal with bullshit. i had a long talk with manager because he obviously saw the frustration in my eyes. he is coaching me through the management side of things and mentioned that if i wasn’t an important member, they wouldn’t even bother picking on me. i’m going to continue to keep a good strong head on my shoulder and work on getting it better than ever no matter what the situation is. if people misunderstand and make ignorant assumptions, so be it

day 1548 Рhand specialist 


i know my way around the clinic the second time around and the same radiologist helped me take another batch of xrays. the bad news couldn’t get any worse each batch as the ones taken today shows my bone is now displaced and not in the right place. with that, the specialist decided surgery will take place tomorrow and i’ll be opened to do one of the two possible procedures. the news hit me hard, so stunned i wasn’t able to collect any of my emotions to react or think. the rest of the day was a blur because i felt completely empty inside with no feelings, no appetite, no motivation and none of anything. i beared all that burden alone as if i’ve always been alone from the start. i finally cried well into the evening and i’m glad i did; i found out at least i have emotions. i’m not scared of the procedure, but the thought of having something inserted in me makes me not me

day 1342 – fortunate and unfortunate

i consider myself very lucky still eating my brother’s birthday cake with family despite everything that could go wrong is going wrong. if my reaction came any later at the speed it unfolded, i may have been on my way out. as i sit alone at night with thoughts flowing in and out, thinking i may or may not have a legacy to leave behind. i just know i still have a lot untried and unaccomplished, and all my dearest and a ton of regrets i can’t bear to leave behind