day 1499 – worked up

sorting out my feelings got me more down. such a downer i had no appetite despite being hungry, loss of words despite wanting to converse, no interest in working out despite it being my happy place. because a dear friend reminded me that i must treat myself well and do what makes me happy – that got me to the gym today. always reiterated and reminded that should i be undervalued, i have no obligations to be taken for granted. i made it to the gym today which made me happier, but not a good one when failing on my routine stuff

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day 1435 – monotonous 

another day and another sleep deprived night. it was hard enough to fall asleep, but it was harder to stay asleep; i couldn’t stop waking up thinking i overslept. the discomfort today got so much i resorted to some tylenol so to dull the discomfort. for the rest of the day it felt like a drag and i wasn’t really present. i had no appetite by dinner time i didn’t even bother. affected me everywhere at rehab and even just lying down

day 1419 – breakless

the weight accumulated in the past two months has caught up to me. on the exterior i act invincible, but i can only fool others and not myself. the more i tried to brainwash myself, the deeper i fall. at times i thought i didn’t want to fight anymore and wanted to give in. i fear that i’m nearing the brink of losing it – losing the patience to battle. didn’t have an appetite for any breakfast or lunch. i tried to bury myself with work to occupy every part of me

day 1408 – set lunch 

missed the vendor lunch and learn because conference call takes precedence. they saved the extra catered set lunch for me after their lecture. the question is why am i staring at the pretzel bun chicken burger past 1pm and have no appetite?? it wasn’t going to eat itself so i proceeded to take a few bites. what i managed to put in my mouth tasted good, but i only made it through the carrots and half the bun before i gave up

day 1250 – diffident

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it was new years day and i just wanted to be home so i could be antisocial. being rattled and feeling unworthy in so many ways. my disappointment and discomfort loomed over, i didn’t even make it into the gym. instead, i rang in the new year with all sorts of organizational work and kept myself as busy as possible. i worked like a robot and had a productive day, but i didn’t feel much satisfaction. i spent the night spilling my thoughts on the keyboard to erase today and start again tomorrow

day 1227 – what snow

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so it’s snowing outside but not even snow stops me from this part of my day. my lifts are getting better but not progressing to where i had hoped. i need to work a little harder on them but my back is giving me lots of trouble i don’t know where it’s misaligned, locked, tight or strained. in the meantime i also need fix my eating that has gotten really poor with days where i wouldn’t have an appetite

day 252 – breakfast

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the toaster didn’t like my bread and burnt my one and only slice of bread left in my kitchen, now what am i going to eat for breakfast?? it’s probably a smarter choice to starve and refrain intake of possible cancerous food. at least i can make an excuse and eat a bigger lunch this afternoon