day 2163 – sharing difficulties

a subpar session and horrible stretch has left me frustrated as ever. even the boston pizza spicy thai chicken wrap sitting in front of me didn’t change my appetite or mood. i didn’t expect to have this talk with the flightclub crew, but i realize we’ve become close friends that i’m okay with letting them in on some of my thoughts and feelings, and they also shared theirs. lately, lots of negative thoughts were floating through my head, all of which left me empty. feeling discouraged with the training and progress as of late, i was beginning to accept my fate in my freestyle dream. i opened up and almost cried, but they listened and seemed to understand what i’m going through. maybe they finally realize the strong outer shell i uphold isn’t so strong on the inside

day 2073 – pearl fever

i happily holding onto my bubble reward for the twenty back tucks i was challenged to do. the perfect reward to end a frustrating and stressful week that made me want to walk out. i didn’t have any appetite even though i was hungry. i’m glad i didn’t go straight home and instead hung out with my friends to wind up the friday night. this would be my first milk tea from the highly touted pearl fever and it didn’t disappoint. the thirty percent sweet was perfect and just how i like it even though my friend who bought it didn’t think so

day 1711 – dampened


not much happened today, both at work and at home. felt sick with a stomachache so didn’t get to watch movie as planned. i was too weak so i took a nap, woke up when my parents came home with some takeout for me, then napped a bit more. i hope this case goes away by tomorrow because i have taekwondo and two hockey games lined up and would t be able to take on that much if i was still feeling weak and ill

day 1650 – free boosters

free booster juice for the design team courtesy of manager who won the super bowl trivia. i’ll gladly take the strawberry storm smoothie over my lunch because i had a major toothache from the mini surgery. it hurt so much to eat i don’t even have much of an appetite anyways. i was told i looked sick and i certainly felt unwell since it kept me up all night. if i can’t catch some sleep again, i might have to pop some tylenols or go back to my dentist. i’m not a happy camper at the moment

day 1548 – hand specialistĀ 


i know my way around the clinic the second time around and the same radiologist helped me take another batch of xrays. the bad news couldn’t get any worse each batch as the ones taken today shows my bone is now displaced and not in the right place. with that, the specialist decided surgery will take place tomorrow and i’ll be opened to do one of the two possible procedures. the news hit me hard, so stunned i wasn’t able to collect any of my emotions to react or think. the rest of the day was a blur because i felt completely empty inside with no feelings, no appetite, no motivation and none of anything. i beared all that burden alone as if i’ve always been alone from the start. i finally cried well into the evening and i’m glad i did; i found out at least i have emotions. i’m not scared of the procedure, but the thought of having something inserted in me makes me not me

day 1542 – work selfie


plugging in the headphones at work to prevent too many distractions. people realize i’m not i’m the office for two days and feel the need to bother me. i have a lot of emails to catch up on and haven’t got the time to entertain people’s nonsense. i got really ticked off when someone came over to almost tease my minor sprain he called it. i went to bed without dinner since the stressful day took over my appetite. it’s not like i can exercise anyways so i might as well keep the eating off

day 1522 – cavity checkĀ 

an extra unpleasant filling cause dentist said he had to use laser to cut some of the gum. that explains why i had four shots and still felt the numbing two hours into teaching. it makes eating difficult and it makes me hungry and not hungry at the same time. at the end of the day, i find myself a bit more disappointed with each passing day. it felt promising at times, but in the end i still haven’t been convinced. i’m still alone second guessing whether i’m only good and wanted when i’m willing to do what’s asked. it feels as though it’s more for the benefits and less of what my needs are. as long as i have this feeling, i will have my guard up and find ways to refuse it no matter deprived or not