林奕匡 – 一雙手

a song that’s been looping endlessly especially when i’m at loss of words. sometimes i think i have found what i’m looking for, i have what i want, and then those thoughts vanish. these thoughts leave me hanging and instills a lot of self doubt. lately i’m feeling a little upset at myself and i’m trying hard not to let that to spill over to others. this song resonates for me; it gives me a boost and a reason to continue even when i’m uncertain

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down to business

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checking in a month into the new year. it’s time to set my february goals straight, but before i do that, a quick reflection on january. i didn’t do terribly bad for january goals but i really should have done better. a rough month it was, suffering with uncertainties and going through with tough decisions. it’s safe to say the stresses got the better of me in the latter half of the month but enough of letting my emotions get the best of me. moving right along because what’s passed is past so not going to dwell on it. february is a short month, but doesn’t mean i ease up when it comes to goal setting. in fact, it’s the exact opposite of that cause i have some hefty goals awaiting with lots of gains to be made. this only means it gives me very little room for deviation as i stomp on the gas pedal and run full steam ahead. it’s all about knowing what’s important to me, setting my priorities straight, sticking to the game plan and staying the course. i’m feeling oddly motivated to get my shit together for february and do what needs to be done. it’s about time i learn to clean up my act and learn a little something about accountability. all i am just asking of myself is to give it my all and be the best i can be. for once, be able to live up to expectations and turn some doubters’ head while doing so. i’m going to be one ambitious chick looking to score big this month and nothing can stop me now

fight for it

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very, very late last night, i finally gathered the courage and came to a tough decision to pass up on this year’s us open. this may be a rare opportunity in my lifetime to partake in such a massive event of exceptional calibre. i never ever in my life imagined myself being granted this opportunity but maybe because of that, it instilled so much fear in me. it would have been a superb experience, but not one that i felt i was ready to take on alone. i didn’t feel like my physical capabilities nor my mental game was ready for this level of competition. i can’t deny i am very disappointed i choose to back out of these opens because it’s something i’ve been really looking forward to for months and months. sometimes i think i would hate myself for letting this chance slip away, but it’s a decision i made and one that i will be able to live with. i know that this decision was as tough on me as it was for those who devoted so much time and energy in me – with their heart and soul and giving me only positive encouragements. there’s several individuals i want to single out for they were always around to listen to all my rants, troubles and everything in between. but none more so than the hardass nazi who never stopped believing in me, who listened to my many insecurities and tried to put everything into perspective in order to will me to take the challenge. i can’t express my gratitude for all the support i have received along the way. i am sorry i couldn’t make this happen, i wished i could find the inner strength. i may seem down and out at the moment, but with time i will recuperate and bounce back stronger than before. i haven’t lost my passion for competing, it’s simply a little setback that i must overcome. moving forward, i will work extra hard to better prepare myself for nationals. it’s going to happen

know no limit

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some things in life take a long time to learn, some things in life take a life time to adopt; many of which that takes longer are the lessons that are well worth the wait. i have been constantly hounded by motivated individuals that tells me limits only exist in the mind and that all records are meant to be broken and surpassed over time. their hard work and persistent ways of beating this concept into me has not gone to waste. i have been working hard on taking their words to turning them into reality, making progress every time i step in for whatever training it may be. i do have results to show for and certainly my mind has become stronger than what it once was not too long ago. being able to do what i couldn’t do last time is a step in the right direction, being what i thought i could never do is my ultimate prize. indeed, this is an important lesson i am still trying to drill into my mind, but i know it’s been slowly getting through to me. i hope my progress will be continual, that i will never stop short of striving for better every single time. one day, i ultimately hope to make them proud of me, to look back and see where i’ve been and how far i’ve come. i want no regrets, and i certainly don’t want to disappoint myself or anyone not having tried my best to achieve what i should very well be capable of

mental game

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bad habits always gets me. every time i feel like i am in exhaustion, i will stop short of completion and make myself believe enough is enough. i have just come to accept the fact that my mental game is not as strong as it needs to be, and that there’s nothing i can do to improve that aspect. this shortcoming is probably an explanation as to why my game has remained stagnant over the years, where i stop short and fail to take my game to the next level. and this only becomes a cyclical process where when i don’t perform well, i tend to hang my head but not focus on finding the underlying problems and dealing with it head on. just today i was reminded that my body is stronger than i think and when fatigue sets in, the mind is usually the first to give in. so when training in and out of the gym, or anywhere for that matter, it is as much training for my mentality as it is for my physicality. it is good that i get to work alongside some of the most motivational individuals because reality is i need constant reminder that i must stop at nothing until i push out the last rep of the last set. the kind of people that are never satisfied and always challenging me to be better and only then will i come to the realization that i can do things i thought i never could. these individuals keep me honest and lets me know that i ain’t going anywhere until i complete it cause anything below my maximum capability is unacceptable.  i think my recent knee ligament that made me forgo my november competition really caused the damage – in a good way. there’s been a recent spark in me that i want it more than ever before; that i am willing to work hard for what i want to achieve and i am going to tackle my weaknesses head on. i no longer want my game to remain the same. i have some ambitious goals to reach and it certainly wouldn’t reach itself. i am ready to take that next step in further enhancing my game, and i am determined to do whatever it takes. the power is in me and it is up to me to train it to work to live up to my fullest potential. i do believe it is in me

day 744 – bedtime reading

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reading books isn’t something i do often, but if it helps me find myself, then this is a change i must make. picked up this book the other day because the title written in big black bold letters was so intriguing it caught my attention. and inside, this statement really got me intrigued. prior to sleeping tonight, i sat on my bed flipping through this inspirational book and hoping this will inspire me and put me back in the groove

resolution series: [nine] honesty

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being true to yourself means not cheating yourself because in the end you will realize you are only cheating yourself. there are no shortcuts in life because if it’s something worth achieving in life, it’s worth working for. the truth is often not easy to accept and sometimes it hurts deep down, but hurting is a good thing because it shows that it matters to you. i have fallen in that trap far too many times in the past and only recently have i realized how much wake up calls mean to me. i want to get better in this aspect because it is the only way to have continuous self improvements to be the best i can be. i find it far too easy for me to fall off track, but i am glad there’s people around me who stays honest with me and gives me the hard truth when i least expect it. i would be the first person to admit i am very stubborn and when i have a certain negative thought, it doesn’t wash away easily. i tend to let little slippages that slide away drag me down with it. it’s hard being a perfectionist because i have certain standards for myself and tend to put more stress and pressure on myself than need be. i will dwell on the mistakes and let them haunt me even if it is something very minor, but i suppose that’s not entirely a bad thing. if it is something that matters to me, i will not let that slip and only go out there to prove them wrong