day 1790 – miss fits

i come to realize i generally don’t do what normal people do and do what normal people wouldn’t do. i’ve never been a follower of the norm just because; i do what i want and i follow the path that my passion leads. it has taught me it’s okay to stand out and be different. there’s a lot that i want that a normal girl doesn’t have ambitions for and doesn’t strive for. there are things any regular human being may never care about, but all i’m doing is going after things i want to achieve and believe will make myself fulfilled. i want to be able to have amiable fitness, to be play an abundance of sports, to flip and do gravity defying things and to make everyone around me happy

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self shamed

i would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am