day 2290 – google toy

the first of five package to arrive is my newest google toy. during my recovery phase, i’ve got nothing better to do but to invest in online shopping. i’ve already missed my original targeted date in returning. the recovery progress is slowed and sometimes nonexistent. i’ve received four or five different diagnosis without a verdict. i can’t lie, but i’ve started to lose hope that even after resuming my activities, i will not do things nearly as good. part of me wonders if my ride is over and i’ll have to give up certain things that i really like

day 2106 – overdue chat

we met up for some sushi, but the main point was to have an overdue chat while we took a stroll. it’s been on both of our minds for far too long, but timing kind of played it’s game. i was just relieved to clear the air and any awkwardness it brings. a lot of the problem is miscommunication and timing. at the end of the day, we made sure that nothing really changes. in fact, it might actually help us solve some of the things that came over us during this stretch

day 2037 – pink shirt day

wearing pink pants to the office to support anti-bullying day. this is one of the few times i will voluntarily wear something so bright because it’s a movement closer to my heart. i’ve been bullied in parts of my childhood because i was small and timid. as a result, i would not look like i can defend or stand up for myself. i guess that explains why i keep things inside my heart and my mind, and that’s developed a shell designed to protect my myself from danger

day 15090 – beneath 

i didn’t have to come today but i didn’t know what to do with myself when my mind doesn’t stop going. struggles still pop up though all this time i denied i was hurt much deeper than the surface. here i am on a friday night trying to workout like i have nothing else better to do. i have to step back, take a deep breath and remind myself i didn’t do anything wrong

silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward