day 2079 – private gym

hitting up friend’s private gym just so i could get some quiet time away from people. it’s been a rather draining week at work when i got a few curve balls at the end of last week. i got all my renderings done one day before the deadline. the stress not only made me sleep deprived, but also caused extreme lows for my blood pressure and i almost fainted in the morning. still, i wanted to hit the gym and do my deadlifts and pullups. the weight felt super heavy, but at least i got it done

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day 2035 – coaching duties

i went to flipping after work because i have nothing better to do before poomsae training. coaching was a must even on a bad ankle when i could barely walk when untaped. no question i work tirelessly for my students and just want them to improve and be all that they can. though i enjoy teaching and helping the students, these long days are very taxing both physically and mentally. i basically worked seventy thirty to nine with a two hour break. i ended up eating dinner at almost 10pm and was beyond starvation at that point

deadened

so much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

day 1240 – amrapping

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my movements are still limited so i had to deviate from my regular thursday lifts. a simple workout that didn’t require a lot of equipment but required a lot of fighting with inner self. it was a heart pounding one that had me drenched within a minute. there were so many times i could’ve stopped and gave up but didn’t. i missed this feeling of exhaustion and really needed it, but my body tells me otherwise. i will wake up tomorrow in pain and my legs will hate me every step of the way, but i’m proud i pushed through. just a testament that i’m physically stronger than i think and that i need to work harder mentally. i feel like i needed this so i deserve to eat tonight

day 1091 – stung

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sometimes people don’t know how hurtful their words can be. but nature, i don’t speak up for myself, but just because i don’t react or stand up for myself, doesn’t mean i agree with how it was played out. it just means i’ve already taken blows that people never noticed. i’m learning to take them as they come and move forward like it never hurt. today i took multiple blows – physically, mentally and emotionally. sometimes i fail in this regard to let others dictate because i care about their feelings more than mine