day 1757 – coaching face

i laughed a little when a parent emailed me this picture that he captured while i was teaching. i guess my face said it all; i shall not show satisfaction for as long as i can ask for more. i’d be the first to admit i’m not an easy instructor to please because i’ll always be asking more of my students. overall, the progress they’ve shown through the training is telling. teaching aside, there’s a lot to ponder on in the next little while. so much up in the air that puts everything on the line. it’s a pretty big decision i cannot rush, but it’s a decision only i can make

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day 1693 – say no

i dreamt that i was really stressed at work and turns out i had a good reason to. three of my tech members were away or sick. it’s irritating when one of then has been missing a lot of time giving reasons like slept in, migraine, stomachache or lung disease. it bugs me how low their threshold is, to call in sick so hastily and so often. i, too, am in quite some discomfort, but here i am at work responsible and trying to get some things done

day 1674 – march madness

march will be focusing on me; not on what others want or need, but what i need and what i want. reason being march will be a hectic month trying to get everything back running in full line and at top gear. i have to be a bit more selfish because i realized i give up too much of myself for people who show little appreciation. i have a ton lined up. i made a few commitments along the way, balancing work and balancing life while staying on top of my diet are all keys to how successful i’ll be

reflecting reality

highschool really did feel like just yesterday. just like majority of highschoolers, i graduated and went onto university thinking i had it planned for the rest of my life. truth is, that thought couldn’t have been any more incorrect and far from reality. i went on to graduate just like how my parents had mapped it out, with an honours degree in environmental design. after a bachelor, i was suppose to do my masters of architecture and become a fully licensed architect. that never happened because acceptance rate was one in ten. i took a brief break but have been working since then. my point is, life is far from how i had imagined it straight out of highschool. i’ve chosen a less traveled career path unlike the stereotypical asian jobs. i’ve believed that my friends circle will remain unchanged. i’ve been misled that i’d meet someone who would treat me like a destination. i’ve learned that growing up requires unlearning the learned. it’s been a struggle as i continue to walk down this path establishing myself as a professional and finding where i truly belong. the start of the year has been really good to me; working my butt off has earned me respect within my peers. i’ve climbed the work ladder real quick liked my manager forewarned, and as a result have been delegated a lot more responsibilities. nothing was given to me; i had to step up and grasp all the windows of opportunities. because of the obstacles and challenges i overcame, i have become the strong woman i am today. i’m not where i want to be yet, but with my grit drive and determination, i’m have full confidence i will make my dreams a reality. i’m on a mission to finding myself and finding my strong. this is where it all starts and where everything will come together for me 

deadened

so much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

day 1540 – remote access

it looks like a battle of laptops, but i’m actually remotely accessing my work computer through the network. i have been granted permission to work at home on selected days to accommodate the hardship of the commute and discomfort of my ailing hand. people should trust and respect that i’m trying my best not to disrupt the work flow. i could easily take the days off and leave my team with my work, but i’m not the irresponsible type. it’s tough that i have a dysfunctional hand and must miss all my physical activities. beyond that, what kills me is knowing and then losing hope that my stuff is at all important. why am i so dumb repeating myself more than twice thinking it’ll stick

day 15090 – beneath 

i didn’t have to come today but i didn’t know what to do with myself when my mind doesn’t stop going. struggles still pop up though all this time i denied i was hurt much deeper than the surface. here i am on a friday night trying to workout like i have nothing else better to do. i have to step back, take a deep breath and remind myself i didn’t do anything wrong