day 1630 – remote access

it looks like a battle of laptops, but i’m actually remotely accessing my work computer through the network. i have been granted permission to work at home on selected days to accommodate the hardship of the commute and discomfort of my ailing hand. people should trust and respect that i’m trying my best not to disrupt the work flow. i could easily take the days off and leave my team with my work, but i’m not the irresponsible type. it’s tough that i have a dysfunctional hand and must miss all my physical activities. beyond that, what kills me is knowing and then losing hope that my stuff is at all important. why am i so dumb repeating myself more than twice thinking it’ll stick

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day 1590 – beneath 

i didn’t have to come today but i didn’t know what to do with myself when my mind doesn’t stop going. struggles still pop up though all this time i denied i was hurt much deeper than the surface. here i am on a friday night trying to workout like i have nothing else better to do. i have to step back, take a deep breath and remind myself i didn’t do anything wrong

day 1582 – low light 

change of plans and headed straight home because the low blood sugar hit me this afternoon. required a short nap and woke up feeling so so but still set on a trip to nash anyway. did not expect a whole lot so but nothing bad happened so i’d say i passed. trying to brush off the disappointments one after another, but at the end of the day i need to learn i’m living for myself and doing what’s best for me. maybe it’s good to learn to expect everything from myself and expect nothing from others

day 1558 – me menu

called everything off and put myself and only myself on today’s menu cause i need time alone to set my priorities straight. absolutely no work related tasks today – no work for the first time in sixteen days. i was going down the wrong path of cramming work in to avoid idle time which in turn has even more negative effect on my mental health. can’t say i’m not a workaholic but then realized i was more burnt out than ever. so first time sleeping in until eight, helped my parents moved furniture, went for a workout and cleaned my room. that is not to say i don’t see the relationship struggles, but we’ll both be working on it together. i do feel better thinking i’ve reset my priorities and reorganized my life for the upcoming week

day 1510 – disconnect 

there’s no change since. the fact that i still feel alone hasn’t changed. it makes me wonder what difference it makes being in a relationship. i still feel i am on my own. has it gotten too comfortable to the point where communication can be so sparse and the disconnect can be so big?? i don’t have a lot of needs and i don’t demand for much, maybe that’s why i get pushed aside and pushed down in priorities. i try to sweep it under the rug but i can’t help noticing my patience that something will turn around is declining. holding on might not be the thing to do anymore

day 1484 – speak easy

nationals in the back of my mind the whole day made me so restless. i never expected the decision to be easy to overcome, and i think i handled it the best i could. what made it more difficult was i had no one to speak my mind and made it less inviting when i’m constantly being criticized, teased or ignored. i feel like i’m taking this on alone and less willing to pour my heart out knowing i’m going to get insults. i don’t know how long i can take the punishment

day 1341 – solituding

the only bright spot on this day was watching federer take his third title this year. otherwise i spent it in solitude as quiet time are never good times when being crushed by my troubles. needing to get out because i can’t stand being at home and confined by myself. at least gym is a place of hiding and numbing because it’s a place i can be respected. outside and being with people makes me hide my sorrows, but i know i’m only masking for what i want to bury even deeper