day 1558 – me menu

called everything off and put myself and only myself on today’s menu cause i need time alone to set my priorities straight. absolutely no work related tasks today – no work for the first time in sixteen days. i was going down the wrong path of cramming work in to avoid idle time which in turn has even more negative effect on my mental health. can’t say i’m not a workaholic but then realized i was more burnt out than ever. so first time sleeping in until eight, helped my parents moved furniture, went for a workout and cleaned my room. that is not to say i don’t see the relationship struggles, but we’ll both be working on it together. i do feel better thinking i’ve reset my priorities and reorganized my life for the upcoming week

day 1510 – disconnect 

there’s no change since. the fact that i still feel alone hasn’t changed. it makes me wonder what difference it makes being in a relationship. i still feel i am on my own. has it gotten too comfortable to the point where communication can be so sparse and the disconnect can be so big?? i don’t have a lot of needs and i don’t demand for much, maybe that’s why i get pushed aside and pushed down in priorities. i try to sweep it under the rug but i can’t help noticing my patience that something will turn around is declining. holding on might not be the thing to do anymore

day 1484 – speak easy

nationals in the back of my mind the whole day made me so restless. i never expected the decision to be easy to overcome, and i think i handled it the best i could. what made it more difficult was i had no one to speak my mind and made it less inviting when i’m constantly being criticized, teased or ignored. i feel like i’m taking this on alone and less willing to pour my heart out knowing i’m going to get insults. i don’t know how long i can take the punishment

day 1341 – solituding

the only bright spot on this day was watching federer take his third title this year. otherwise i spent it in solitude as quiet time are never good times when being crushed by my troubles. needing to get out because i can’t stand being at home and confined by myself. at least gym is a place of hiding and numbing because it’s a place i can be respected. outside and being with people makes me hide my sorrows, but i know i’m only masking for what i want to bury even deeper

day 1322 – transformation 

this is not a throwback thursday, but a random photo sifu sent me today and i thought it was funny but fitting. to a raw competitor of six years ago, when i also sparred at bc champ. i can’t keep track of how many competitions i have been to since then; it’s probably a good sign when i don’t. i miss the good old days when i had coaches to turn to, but now i, myself, have taken on that role and can only rely. on myself. still trying to grow into someone i could rely on. it’s a special day for lomo, but no time to celebrate

day 1250 – diffident

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it was new years day and i just wanted to be home so i could be antisocial. being rattled and feeling unworthy in so many ways. my disappointment and discomfort loomed over, i didn’t even make it into the gym. instead, i rang in the new year with all sorts of organizational work and kept myself as busy as possible. i worked like a robot and had a productive day, but i didn’t feel much satisfaction. i spent the night spilling my thoughts on the keyboard to erase today and start again tomorrow

30 share it [ten]

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back at home with a hot shower and just chilling with the need to do some reflection. thanks to chiropractor on site for putting my two ribs back into place so i can play my games today. i wasn’t hallucinating nor exaggerating when i complained my back and neck was out but of course i can only say so much before i realize it’s pointless. i’ve decided on a few things so i don’t get unnecessarily hurt