day 1625 – office revolution 


made it into the office today and good to know that i was missed. it’s made official the main renderer has resigned, leaving me as the only renderer. my manager told me i am the front runner to step up into the role and be the next one. i’m extremely excited for the opportunity presented because it’s what i wanted. i’m scared that the bigger responsibilities may expand multi-fold and must learn the new programs with no support. it’s daunting just thinking about it, but it’s within my power to take, learn and grow into being something much bigger. afterall, my manager has the confidence in me and said i’ll go as far as i’m willing to

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day 1561 – doms 

a day after a hit my squat pr at an unexpected time, doms has taken control over and my legs are out of commission. i longed to reach my peak again and kin forced it to happen. he said that’s enough of plateau and wanted to break it for me. i’m glad he cracked me cause i would never have made the bold move myself. hope this is the first and my other personal best will be coming once i am completely out of rehab 

day 1220 – flexi

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going through my routine and flexing a little on friday night. it’s been a while since i last went through this program, but i didn’t want to deload nor do i have the patience. gym time has suffered a great deal and i only have restricted times that i can go, but i will make it happen. i went ham tonight; the soreness is already hitting me hard as i’m already have trouble walking

day 1108 – the feels

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had one tough workout session but feeling darn good about everything i accomplished, even though i may or may not have my legs tomorrow. it had everything from working on squats, to trying something new, to improving my snatches. the ecstatic feeling that i once again matched my personal record box jump height, with more certainty than before. spending quality time and finishing off the friday night chilling with mo, doing whatever it may be makes my day complete

my many doubts

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i have been troubled and drowning in my own thoughts which has me staying up late and thinking a lot lately. over the years, taekwondo has given me a lot to look forward to and a lot to be proud of, but that’s not to say it hasn’t given all sorts of pressure and stress. one could say competition has given me a sense of belonging, because it’s also where i found out that i too, could succeed. it’s taken my next to zero confidence and upping that to a level of being confident enough to step out on the mats alone and get things done. somehow, i feel competing is not what it used to be for me. i always felt the pressure leading up to each competition, but never have i felt it so intensely that i’ve become super stressed out and almost numb. is it a sign that i’m not doing it as a passion? is there such thing as a “martial arts block” like a “writer’s block”? sometimes i can’t differentiate if i am fulfilling my job to compete just because i’ve been doing so all along. i’m unsure whether it’s expected of me, or if it’s a self chosen decision. what makes this one different than the ones in the past that gives me so much more undue stress? a lot to be honest. first of all, i’m no longer under the coaches i’m used to, but directly under the watchful eyes of the grandmaster. second, my parents play a big factor. they seemingly have no expectations for my competition game because they have doubted me from the first day i took on taekwondo, but somehow still appears to have so much expectation. they never expected me to get anywhere close to blackbelt and even sought every opportunity to pry me away from the sport. the results at nationals really isn’t my focal point nor the reason i go to nationals. it wasn’t in the past, and this year’s isn’t any different. competing at such a high level is definitely a privilege i don’t take lightly. it’s an eye opener that’s all about the experience and through that i’ve gained so much more. i hope the grandmaster and others see it in the same light, but sometimes i am afraid of those who put a lot more weight in results and standings. i hate not living up to expectations and i hate letting people down; maybe i’ve done it way too much in the past. luckily, i am still able to find bright spots of supportive casts to put everything into perspective and make sure i keep going strong. they let me know that as long as i do everything within my powers and give it everything i got, i should have no regrets. so bottom line is – stop self doubting and stop second guessing, just get my shit together, work my ass off and let the rest play itself out

self satisfaction

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this post took far too long to write even though i knew exactly what i was thinking deep down. i’ve been reluctant partially because i didn’t know how to word it so not to come on too strong. i had a strong sense that the tide has been swaying and that certain things started to change as of late. i was beyond stressed and frustrated but sometimes i can’t differentiate whether the frustration was directed at myself or others. i’ve always been a big believer that if i believe in what i am doing, don’t let anything stop me. i have some big dreams and goals to reach and if i want to give myself the best chance, now is really the time to gear down to make it happen. some are baffled why i make the many sacrifices i do just to reach a dream that may seemingly be meaningless to them. of course i don’t expect many to agree with all the commitment and sacrifices, and some may never ever understand. only a selected few will understand what i am going through and support what i am aiming for. one being those with bottomless aspirations and endless beliefs. the other being those who have been to big stages alike. life of a competitive athlete is not easy as it requires many forms of sacrifices, determination and commitment. because of what is at stake, we must prioritize properly, be it skipping out on events, running on tight schedules, operating with little rest, or passing up on booze. i am spread very thin with a packed schedule, but believe me i’m trying my best to balance it all. my road isn’t a smooth walk in the park by all means because i have chosen a road less taken. i’d be most gratified to have my trusted peers in my journey as long as its free of judgement and negativity. in the meantime, i will keep pushing forward as long as i know what i am working towards, what it means to me and ultimately what makes me happy

day 929 – resurrect

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tomorrow i am going to get some me time to reboot both my mind and my system. i feel i need some time to regroup and make sure i’m back on track doing things i need to be doing and doing things i enjoy doing, for the right reasons. the past week or two has been lousy where i am just going through everything mindlessly like a robot but not thinking twice about what i am seeking out of it. and during this time, there’s either been a lot of emotional eating or unhealthy thoughts and choices made. i really should put things back into it’s proper routine and get back in the right frame of mind to make the best choices for myself moving forward. february is a short month, so better not waste time and get back on track as soon as i possibly can