day 1420 – disconnect 

there’s no change since. the fact that i still feel alone hasn’t changed. it makes me wonder what difference it makes being in a relationship. i still feel i am on my own. has it gotten too comfortable to the point where communication can be so sparse and the disconnect can be so big?? i don’t have a lot of needs and i don’t demand for much, maybe that’s why i get pushed aside and pushed down in priorities. i try to sweep it under the rug but i can’t help noticing my patience that something will turn around is declining. holding on might not be the thing to do anymore

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day 555 – more drugs

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back for more drugs because i simply can’t get enough of these cough syrups. and if it wasn’t for zero improvements after finishing another bottle of cough syrup and more bags of cough candy, i would not be going to the doctor for prescribed medication. i can’t continue feeling so useless and weak, forcing me to miss out on so much training, work, regular routine and fun. hoping this will be enough to knock me out tonight and wake up tomorrow feeling human again

day 554 – how i feel now

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the sign indicates my current situation. that’s how me and my body feels right now when all i can do is stay home in bed while constantly feeding it drug after drug. but all i really want to do is get out and train, go to the gym, hangout with people, do my regular activities. i really can’t stop feeling the gym withdrawal. it’s never a good sign when i get sent home within the first hour

day 551 – weaksauce

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this has got to be one of the most disgusting shot i have ever taken. the bottle is clearly not designed for a sick person because it literally took me ten minutes to remove multiple bottle caps in which someone any more sick could have passed out by then. what are the chances of being sick three times in a season, but i have proved it’s not impossible, especially when my body immunity is so weak

day 544 – fighting self

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it’s one of those days where nothing happened but i just feel really hopeless and everything appears so grim. the feeling i get that i am fighting myself where it’s a no win situation no matter what perspective i look at it. knowing what i need to do but still can’t do it is the hardest thing i have to swallow. as hard as this process is, it’s something no one can help me with and i must do it for myself. i better work hard to figure it out because time isn’t stopping for me. this is time for a self reflection and a true test of how badly i want it

day 505 – drained

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feeling awfully drained and really needing a break. no doubt i knew there would come a time when my mind and body will not allow me to continue with the kind of schedule i run on. its been wearing down on me for over half a year and now my mind is ready to go on strike. i wake up everyday feeling crappy and even more so exhausted knowing the things i have to get through day after day. all i want to do is shut off the world and finish what i have to do. it’s christmas season and all i am too drained to even enjoy it. i try to hide all that stress and pretend everything is okay because i don’t want to put it upon anyone else but somehow it’s showing through my shell. i need a break, i know its not time yet, but i know it’s coming in a couple more weeks