day 2290 – google toy

the first of five package to arrive is my newest google toy. during my recovery phase, i’ve got nothing better to do but to invest in online shopping. i’ve already missed my original targeted date in returning. the recovery progress is slowed and sometimes nonexistent. i’ve received four or five different diagnosis without a verdict. i can’t lie, but i’ve started to lose hope that even after resuming my activities, i will not do things nearly as good. part of me wonders if my ride is over and i’ll have to give up certain things that i really like

day 1192 – fizz see oh

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getting my maintenance work in for my beat up body so i can continue to beat up my body. i like to be active and i will continue to be for as long as i can. physio did mention he was very pleased with how well i held up for as long as i have been away. it’s also nice to hear from others that they’ve noticed my improvement and acknowledge what i can do; that’s a compliment i’ll gladly take. i’m here because you inspired and challenged me to be, but i’ll never be satisfied with myself because i know i can always be better

day 1173 – no go

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concluded my month-long debate with a tough decision. my team was shocked with the news, but concerned about my well-being. i’m passing on president cup as i didn’t have enough training time to feel prepared for an international event. i do have every intention to compete at the grassroot competition on the same weekend; couldn’t pass up on both events because my heart wants to compete. there’s no way of hiding my disappointment. i felt so dejected there was no way i could get my head in it to practice today. perhaps when i wake up tomorrow morning, i might feel relieved that at least a decision was made. only time will heal both wounds

day 1154 – hold off

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i feel like i’ve lost control of what i can control. i can’t hide the disappointment that hit me when physio told me to stop and rest for a week. he rarely does that to me and usually lets me play within my limits, so when he does, i know it’s severe. that means skipping games, gym, trainings…does it also mean skip my competition?? how long i manage to stay away remains to be seen. overwhelming day with that news, school and more life questions

day 1149 – plate less

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it’s an off day away from the gym once again so here’s my version of throwback thursday. every time i walk by this rack i have the urge to lift these. it’s been weeks since i have and i miss it too much. i disregarded restrictions and tried on a number of occasions, but ended up giving my back more setbacks. i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t in pain more than half my waking hour, but i want to keep doing what i do. more importantly, my october competition status is up in the air if it doesn’t get better soon. i can only stay patient for so long, and i am not a patient person when it comes to recovery. when will i be back lifting normally without pain??

day 959 – reading list

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this book might be able to give me much needed insights to clear my mind, refocus and push through and do what needs to be done. training the mind is something that’s been lacking in my training regime, and because of that, it’s also my weakest link. i believe my mindset and mental strength is what needs to be addressed in order to take that next step. i want to find my zen so i can put my mind back into its place

self satisfaction

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this post took far too long to write even though i knew exactly what i was thinking deep down. i’ve been reluctant partially because i didn’t know how to word it so not to come on too strong. i had a strong sense that the tide has been swaying and that certain things started to change as of late. i was beyond stressed and frustrated but sometimes i can’t differentiate whether the frustration was directed at myself or others. i’ve always been a big believer that if i believe in what i am doing, don’t let anything stop me. i have some big dreams and goals to reach and if i want to give myself the best chance, now is really the time to gear down to make it happen. some are baffled why i make the many sacrifices i do just to reach a dream that may seemingly be meaningless to them. of course i don’t expect many to agree with all the commitment and sacrifices, and some may never ever understand. only a selected few will understand what i am going through and support what i am aiming for. one being those with bottomless aspirations and endless beliefs. the other being those who have been to big stages alike. life of a competitive athlete is not easy as it requires many forms of sacrifices, determination and commitment. because of what is at stake, we must prioritize properly, be it skipping out on events, running on tight schedules, operating with little rest, or passing up on booze. i am spread very thin with a packed schedule, but believe me i’m trying my best to balance it all. my road isn’t a smooth walk in the park by all means because i have chosen a road less taken. i’d be most gratified to have my trusted peers in my journey as long as its free of judgement and negativity. in the meantime, i will keep pushing forward as long as i know what i am working towards, what it means to me and ultimately what makes me happy