deadened

so much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

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fulfilment

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heaving a ten tonne rock off my shoulders is an appropriate representation as i haven’t felt so relieved in far too long. it may not mean anything to others, but to me, no words can describe how much receiving that call means to me. for the past year, i struggled to find myself, to accept myself and to be myself. i would hate myself for never being good enough at everything and for anything, often had internal war within. i went though down times that caused eating problems which consequently wrecked my body in too many ways. i bottled up all my problems and feelings, and avoided sensitive topics at all costs. it got to the point where i lost interest in a lot of things and wanted to confine myself in my own space so i didn’t have to talk. at last i opened up to a selected few; i need not to mention any names as you know who you are. i’m thankful that while i was going through my wildest and worst times, you came to the rescue and stood by me. thank you for being patient with me when i was going through some of the roughest times. for piecing me together and keeping me together when i was self destructing. for not rushing me to become something i wasn’t ready to become. for supporting me to find what i truly wanted. for accepting me with open arms and caressing me when i needed you most. it’s you that kept me afloat and a good reason why i’m still alive and striving to this day. through this process i’ve learned an abundance of things –  it’s okay to have weak moments but i’ve learned to be strong. many times i thought i had turned the corner, only to stumbled back in. today i can safely and assertively say i have found my way out of this gigantic hole, and i will only move forward in the direction i’ve always wanted to go but didn’t dare to go. i have a very good reason to smile as i’m leaving everything behind and starting my new episode fresh. i have found myself and i’ll be chasing whatever fulfills my heart

day 1205 – project time

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drop the idea of searching for my usb. instead of keeping my hopes up that it will one day turn up, i’m restarting my project because that’s a better use of my time. in the past i might stay upset and dwell on it, but i’m better than that now. what’s done cannot be undone, what’s past is past so just do what i need to do to get the job done. i have already proven to be more efficient the second time around; with one afternoon, the model has of my most basic elements. nerding it out today so i’ll be at the same stage soon enough. not staying up tonight since i barely got any sleep last night with an ailing hip and neck

day 1057 – walking in rain

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a walk in the drizzling rain got me a little wet, but left me feeling refreshed. when i am alone, i think and think until i overthink everything. i’ll always find something to think about even when there’s nothing to think about. sometimes life let’s you wander off to nowhere in particular and leave you hanging just so you can learn a little more about yourself and perhaps find yourself. i got my rest, i got my time off; it’s time to look for steps to do something that will lead me to what i my soul is searching for

day 916 – resourcefulness

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fiddling with whatever i can get a hold of as the chat continued through the night. sometimes i need distractions to stay involved in a coversation. had an interesting conversation with really self driven and motivated people that’s always looking for ways to make an impact. the conversation made me think about things in a different perspectives and made me wonder if i would thrive with the same drive. what they taught me was you must first and foremost love what you do because there’s no purpose or reason in life without passion

吳若希 – 我沒有傷心

i made this long weekend the deadline to make a big decision as to which path i wanted to take. i think i gave him enough chances and now i’ve made up my mind that it just wasn’t meant to be. the decision is made and i am happy i did because i will be able to live with that rather than having it linger on any longer. being on the edge of a relationship is tough, but i will be alright because love isn’t life’s entirety; life must go on. i am sure there comes a time when i will cross path with someone that was meant to be

2014 at a glance

snippets of my year and the memorable moments that were captured and many that were uncaptured but put into a special place in my memory bank. i have done a better job in taking photos and tracking the little things that takes place in my daily life so not to lose the memories i cherish. lots happened in the past twelve months and it would be impossible to display every one of them in a short video so just because you weren’t included in this slideshow, our time spent together still meant the world to me. it was a year of many changes, obstacles, challenges, setbacks but i have taken all that as life lessons to only get stronger and more prepared for what life will throw at me next year. 2014 was not the best of my years, but hoping to turn things around for 2015