day 1958 – morning work days

back to work on early monday morning not feeling rest at all as i’m still fighting a nagging cold and cough. i can’t even buy sleep when i’m waking up at 2am and 4am everyday. it’s a never ending cycle of cough affecting my sleep pattern and the inability to sleep affecting the cold recovery. i keep finding reasons not go to into my family doctor’s office. it’s probably a waste of time since she doesn’t really solve my problems

day 1798 – horseshoe way


getting into work after a long weekend is not quite fun. i was hoping the long weekend would change the insomnia and headaches but so far i feel little improvement. the one person at the office that never fails to give me stress is doing it again, and always trying to pick the moment when my manager is not present. both the planned and ambushed attacks are all part of her strategy to redirect blame when something goes wrong. the trend of taking drugs day after day is not the long term fix, i’m slowly beginning to think a visit to my doctor is necessary. now if only i can find time to make that call

day 1603 – needle poking 


if it weren’t for meeting some crucial deadlines, i shouldn’t even be at work because i felt so faint with low blood pressure. also didn’t help that i could hardly keep my eyes open during work and no amount of caffeine could make a difference. once i was i’m off, i went to poke needles all over my body to fix some overarching issues. i’ve always been the type of person that is willing to do anything to push injuries quicker so i can be game ready – this case is no different. sleeping problems worsened as a result of rising work stress and possibly holiday stress. it’s not a bad thing to be stepping it up, only need to make sure i don’t faint before i get them done

day 1568 – aburi aburi 

img_20200203_1447521930418015068583459.jpga little aburi and sashimi is a good way to get through the hump of the week. it could be whatever day, but sushi almost never fails me. it’s the kind of comfort food that can lighten mood and get me back on my ways. there’s no change in my erratic sleeping patterns; no matter which day, i’ll wake up several times throughout the night thinking i missed my alarm. a large part is from stress, as i prepare myself for my big day ahead of me

day 1517 – ruined

nothing but disappointment missing my monday workout, missing dodgeball but that’s exactly what happened today. this forces me to rearrange this week’s workout schedule. i haven’t cramped this hard in a long time, but it was more than that which made it worse than waking up on the wrong side of the bed. it was an unrestful night where i laid in bed for hours not being able to fall asleep and when i finally do, i get woken up several times in sweat. even in terrible condition, had no choice but to to go to work because i had stuff to hand over

self shamed

img_20200204_1832383224453623979262295.jpgi would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

day 1352 – cylone

so many forgettable things happened this week that made me depressed, made me stress and made me cry. week long of insomnia failing to fall asleep or waking up quarter past three. am i ever happy to see a day where i will have to myself to detach myself from all the wrongs. first off, a stop at cyclones after work for skates moulding and sharpening; but really, i’m also playing around with all their products. i’m still waiting for the right sale to get my stick

day 1176 – sleeping condition

img_20200204_214009854669320166213684.jpgsleeping has been an issue the last couple days. falling asleep has become increasingly difficult; waking up feeling like i never slept last night. i lay in bed seeing the clock strike 2am, then 3am and realizing my alarm is set to ring in four hours. it’s never a good sign when i get agitated easily and don’t feel up to doing anything productive. these days when i am indifferent about everything gives me a terrible and empty feeling inside. could it be the stress and unease as the competition date gets closer??

day 1159 – thoughtless

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i was feeling strangely indifferent about everything today, almost as if i don’t have feelings. i should be disappointed at myself for the slippage today, but it’s just a day after many disciplined ones and i will work twice as hard to undo it. certain topics that i didn’t want to see or think about came up and only made me stressed and press a little more. i actually looked forward for sunday to end so i can move on and get a better start. maybe i had trouble getting rest last night and had to get through a full day’s worth of things

atelphobia

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some days are better than other days, but lately many days i feel like i just can’t be good enough. i sit alone in the dark thinking about everything i could be and should be. it hurts to think that no matter what i do, i can never live up to my own expectations; no matter how hard i try, i don’t deserve it. time after time, there’s obstacles and setbacks in my path obstructing me from making my goals and dreams a reality. sometimes i think it’s better not to isolate myself because i will overthink without a doubt, but often i find myself opting to be alone because i don’t want others to see my tears. i know it’s a selfish act to shut off the world, but i don’t think others would appreciate the negativity and most would never understand where i am coming from anyway. i prefer to maintain that protective exterior shell instead of exposing what’s really within. ever since i started losing myself, the times i’ve had emotional outbreaks far exceeds the amount of occurrences i average in the past couple years. there are times like now when tears just uncontrollably roll down my face without reason, but it’s simply because i’ve been pretending to be strong in front of others for too long. i must admit i was stupid enough to let disturbing thoughts float around my mind, but i am tired of pretending; i can’t carry on so something must end – either it or me. i tried to cry myself to sleep hoping tomorrow will be the day i have a better idea of who i am and the purpose i serve. am i a nobody that only disappoints those who naively didn’t give up on me yet?? i am so frustrated at myself for not knowing how to be good enough. when will i figure it out and get back to my norm??