a nobody

it’s not without reason that i have been eerily quiet about me and my life the past month. piecing together scattering thoughts, i have identified the main cause and finally come to reveal what’s going on. those who don’t know me may think it’s just mood swings, but it’s not. i have just quietly kept everything trapped inside and reserved all my feelings because i felt like a nobody. i felt like the relationship is no longer what it used to be. every time i see what this pair at the gym can do with each other, i can’t help when some enviousness creep in. the way they could be so down to earth and so supportive. and over the course of the weeks and months, i could see she’s feeding off of his support and making the gains of her fitness journey. i know not everyone envisions the same relationship goals, that’s just one of mine. tons of questions and uncertainties as to what the priorities really were. there’s been a lot of tears and negative thoughts going through my mind that i cannot slay. the nights were painful, the loneliness was strong and the darkness was enduring. for the last several weeks, i was under a lot of pressure where it got so much that i would unknowingly feel tears roll down when i’m idling alone at night. stupidly thinking that if i keep suppressing my feelings, it would eventually end. it obviously didn’t and weighed me down day after day. i couldnt hold it down any longer and finally erupted last night. the situation may not change overnight or change at all, but steps are required. at least i put it out there so mo know how i felt and what’s making me depressed. i don’t have a dependent persona, but maybe i need to be more independent than i already am

day 1375 – over it

these things inadvertently keep me up at night. it’s been in the back of my mind recently and today put me over the top. perhaps i’m emotionally tired from tylenoling myself for the three jammed ribs. one thing i’ve set on is giving up on expectations of certain things if the importance was never placed to begin with. i don’t feel the same and i’m frustrated, but at the same time indifferent because i’m not about to press for something that cannot be attained. i’ve learned it was never there for me and if it mattered it’d stick

resolution series: [thirteen] independence

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at times like this when my parents are travelling around the world, i realize how much they¬†have to do on a daily basis. even the most basic things like cooking meals, doing laundry, washing dishes, turning off lights, and taking out garbage. they take care of majority of all that, making mine and my brother’s life less stressful. though none of that those duties are difficult, they are very time consuming. the act of preparing, cooking and then washing the dishes is a tedious process and before i know it, an hour as passed by. as i grow older, i come to understand how precious they are and how dependent i have become. this is definitely the time to learn how to be more independent so to relieve my parents of their burden. slowly getting better at it, and good knowing that i won’t starve to death or run out of clean clothes to wear while they are away. going through the learning process of supporting myself physically, emotionally and financially. learning that earning money is hard but saving is even more difficult. understanding that success doesn’t come overnight and everything that contributes to future success requires utmost commitment. at a certain point, i won’t have anyone to lean on but myself. only when i can manage all that can i stand alone. there comes a time when i need to give back because that’s the least i could do in return