self shamed

img_20200204_1832383224453623979262295.jpgi would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

day 1050 – phlegmatic

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keeping my cool and my emotions in check is never easy, but it’s something i ask of myself. there are days like this when i am unsure about everything including the purpose of my existence. it’s a dull day sitting in silence thinking of my imperfections, and then i would get mad at myself for the imperfections that i have. i would question and question time over time, but would have no answers to any of them. i just want to be better, but i can’t. i feel like a strange child that’s not comfortable with myself