day 2303 – deterred

felt antsy and wanted to push my foot’s limit a little to see how it reacts. i did some step offs to test absorbing impact and it seemed fine. i then tried to jump onto a small box and that’s where the troubles began. i couldn’t bend very much before my foot gave in and collapsed in pain. no matter how many times i tried, i just couldn’t load my foot properly. discouraged enough, i moved onto test some squat positions and that was also concerning. narrow squat stance was painful but snatch squat stance was doable. i left pretty upset feeling no progress made with my foot

day 1921 – sizeable puck

i put myself in front of the shot to a squirtle game and it so happens to hit the only unpadded area on my leg. my whole leg went numb and i struggled to get back to the bench. good thing there’s meat on my thigh to absorb the impact of the puck. playing defense is fun, but this is one of the sacrifice to play the position. this bruise looks kind of scary and is here to stay for a while

day 1405 – rendering

still made it to work feeling unwell since i need to crank out renderings for client. adamant on my gym routines after work regardless. part of my workout came to a halt when i felt sharp pain in my hip. i rested a little and popped some painkillers before leaving the gym with limbs shaking. sharp pain hit me again mid way through a dodgeball game; my hip felt paralyzed for a second and i couldn’t bend over. i have yet to play a robot night without pain and never knew how much this car accident would impact my daily life and movement. but what hurts most going home wasn’t my hip but my heart. this time i can’t really brush it off and pretend i’m okay with it

feelings or not

img_20200204_1835507134209773299313378.jpgthrough the years of breaking and mending myself, i can confirm that pain tolerance is something i’m well developed with. it’s as if people assume i either don’t have feelings to show for or my feelings don’t matter regardless. people often don’t see how damaging words can be; only the person on the receiving end can truly feel the impact. i can confirm that i’ve trained myself to not have feelings because even if i once had, it should be defected by now. i learned that i will never voice my displeasure and not show any emotions even when i’m clearly uncomfortable taking them in. my emotions are kept in the safest place beneath the impermeable layers . i’m constantly being reminded that no matter what i do, nothing will be good enough because their perceptions will always remain. i guess some just finds pleasure in making others feel bad and undeserving; and they’ve succeeded to ingrain that in me on many different levels. whatever their intentions are, if saying such things satisfies their needs, so be it because being selfless is something i strive for. when negative comments are fired, all i have to do is deactivate what’s left of my feelings and everything will be okay

resolution series: [eighteen] connections

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i have said it again and again, and i will say it again. first decade of your life everyone you meet is either your friend or your enemy. second decade is when you learned a little better, have a large group of friends even though you learned not to hastily call everyone friends. beyond the first two decades is when you have to figure out who your friends really are as you will no longer have a ginormous list of friends. because you will soon realize that people will start disappearing and there isn’t enough time to go around for everyone. don’t get me wrong i am not an introvert; i do believe in networking and i find ways to develop my network whenever i can. with that said, i value all the different social groups and population i meet through an assortment that stretches across many breadths and fields. i am completely aware that my list of friends are shrinking but i have now realized that i only need a handful of close buddies that i can turn to in any situation at any point in time and they will be there for me no matter what happens. working hard to surround myself with the right people that will be a positive impact to my life and stay true to my real friends because they are the ones i want to grow old with. i am working hard to becoming a greater influence whenever my friends are in need of a pick me up moment. true friends don’t let you fall alone, i would know because they picked me back up countless times

day 572 – monday debut

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finally making my monday team season debut even though i am outright sore. my neck and back area as stiff as a board, a resultant of all that breakfalling from yesterday’s test. this condition made especially difficult to drive when i cannot shoulder check and it seizes up every time i step on the gas or brake pedal. in desperate need of a massage and hot tub stint since i cannot apply bengay

day 571 – victimized

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i was the chosen one to partner with someone for their self defense portion of their first and second dan blackbelt test and it was no fun at all. at the end of the night, i have breakfallen, rolled and been thrown over forty times and even sidekicked in the chest. never before have i fallen that many times in a day, i feel like all my internal organs have been rearranged in every possible way. it was a long and tiring day, teaching by the morning and blackbelt test by night. it’s not whether my back and neck will be sore tomorrow, it’s how sore