day 2373 – rutted

i’ve had far too many nose blows the past few months. the amount of times i stay awake being sad and discouraged far exceeds the times i not. i’m so tired of it; the feeling of quitting happens every other day. i’m not okay being neglected, left alone to fail and self destruct while some get the full on instructions. it hurts me that i show up to classes and open gyms ready to learn, ready to land my next move, but i’m clearly not their priority because they’ve got their ‘pokemon’ to train. i don’t deserve this and it hurts me so much inside more than words can explain

day 2331 – no headway

i carried around a heavy heart today because i’m not sure what my tricking future holds. today is technically the last class day of classes and i haven’t made any headway. i couldn’t say anything while i was with the gang, but i broke the moment i got home. for the first time, i spilled what my mind and body has been intending to do. it made me think back on all that’s happened and all that didn’t. it hurts me so much that it may have come to an end. all i could do is cry myself to sleep

day 2307 – finger splint

a splint on my finger is so suffocating and inconvenient. i hate how it’s so restrictive it is and how it prevents the swelling and bruising to dissipate. i get that i need to protect it when i’m out and around people, but whenever i’m by myself, i would try to remove it to let it air out. i know this is only week one, but hopefully i can get rid of this splint sooner than three weeks

day 2284 – inflammable

both my ankles started to swell up hours after my prp treatment, the right one more so than the left. i couldn’t move it up or down and i felt the internal battle and the pain within my bloodstream. the spots were tender from the needle injections and the area was burning hot. needless to say, i had a very rough and restless night because the pain was so much. i’ve never had it so bad that thoughts of amputation crept into my mind. i literally crawled to get tylenol hoping to catch some shut eye

day 2283 – prp treatment

in naturopath clinic to do my first platelet rich plasma treatment. these prp treatments will burn a hole through my wallet, but my foot left me with no other option. it was very neat and very scary at the same time; watching the machine spin and separate my blood into parts and having it put back into me. getting what must have been twenty injections was a painful process. i had both feet done and could barely walk out of the office myself

day 1540 – remote access

it looks like a battle of laptops, but i’m actually remotely accessing my work computer through the network. i have been granted permission to work at home on selected days to accommodate the hardship of the commute and discomfort of my ailing hand. people should trust and respect that i’m trying my best not to disrupt the work flow. i could easily take the days off and leave my team with my work, but i’m not the irresponsible type. it’s tough that i have a dysfunctional hand and must miss all my physical activities. beyond that, what kills me is knowing and then losing hope that my stuff is at all important. why am i so dumb repeating myself more than twice thinking it’ll stick

day 1522 – cavity checkĀ 

img_20200203_1448266876055128504944795.jpgan extra unpleasant filling cause dentist said he had to use laser to cut some of the gum. that explains why i had four shots and still felt the numbing two hours into teaching. it makes eating difficult and it makes me hungry and not hungry at the same time. at the end of the day, i find myself a bit more disappointed with each passing day. it felt promising at times, but in the end i still haven’t been convinced. i’m still alone second guessing whether i’m only good and wanted when i’m willing to do what’s asked. it feels as though it’s more for the benefits and less of what my needs are. as long as i have this feeling, i will have my guard up and find ways to refuse it no matter deprived or not