day 2468 – nautical day

disguised behind that highschooler body is that thirty something. i wish to not feel a day over thirty until i hit my forties. this is really the decade to change how i take care and treat my body; a little better than how i have in the past decades. it’s crazy how time flies by because it wasn’t that long ago i was still in highschool, which is arguably the best days of my life thus far. a lot has changed since then, but a lot has remained the same in terms of mindset. staying young at heart is definitely a large part of finding happiness in life

day 2448 – cambie corridor

i needed some fresh air and this district seemed like a good place to be. maybe i can relate to this place for this is the hood where i did most of my growing. this is the hood where all my highschool, physio, work, and gym used to be. i really like these new ‘heart of vancouver’ bike racks along this corridor. i felt slightly refreshed after a short walk and extra vitamin d

day 2399 – anti bullying

wearing my christmas sweater in support of anti-bullying pink shirt day. there was a period in time in where i was bullied in grade eight. i got called names and i got shoved into a locker. there i was, thinking it’s normal so i put up with it for a bit. that person eventually got kicked out of hamber. thinking back those were unhappy times that didn’t need to be. had this continued, my hamber years would not have been some of the highlight years of my life thus far

day 2393 – les miserables

my student invited me to watch her musical in my very own highschool. don’t get to step back into hamber very often, but going in as an alumni always has a special place for my heart and bring back so much memories. the musical was very well done and i’m impressed with all the talent of the highschool students. i wished the school would invest in upgrading the auditorium because i left the three us hour play with a sore back, butt and neck

day 2354 – moody catch up

made the trip out to port moody despite the snowy conditions to meet up with a long time highschool friend. we had so much to catch up on; we started at a korean restaurant and migrated to a nearby cafe. she’s one of the few i keep very much contact with despite both of us living halfway across the globe. i cherish the friendship we’ve maintained throughout the years. it’s very ironic we both share some similar views and standpoint; no wonder we managed to chat for hours

day 2211 – uc crew reunion

underconstruction crew reunion was long overdue. though i last visited hong kong in november and saw one, it’s not the same as having the complete four all together. the visiting uc craved tacos, so that’s where we took our dear friend. we met up at la taqueria for some happy hour nachos and tacos. it’s great to see these faces again and catch up with each other’s lives. not much has changed, but so much has changed. we’re already planning our next gathering and changing our upcoming secret santa rules

short of expectation

i’ve been really down, stressed and frustrated as of late. on the surface, i always appear fine because i do a really good job containing all my emotions and keeping it together. so it felt stranger there were multiple times when i just couldn’t keep it together inside. i feel the frustration has been eating me alive so i decided to open up part of my story

all my life, i’ve been an underachiever, always falling short of everyone’s expectations. i can’t remember the last time i felt like i succeeded and made someone proud

in highschool, i was always living in the shadow of my brother who would get ninety nine percent in math, if not one hundred. as an asian kid, getting an A in math was never enough. i rewrote my provincial because it was not an A of respectable calibre. i get it, i’m nowhere near smart; i don’t get straight A’s like most asian parents wish for. i graduated and went straight into post secondary as expected. in university, my path was basically chosen for me based on process of elimination of what my parents didn’t want me to be. they got it all mapped out for me – i applied for environment design program, an honors program meant for architecture. i graduated from that and was expected to be an architect, but i failed to get into the masters program which accepts forty eight students out of the four hundred odd applicants

growing up, sports was something i loved dearly and what came to me naturally. i excelled in swimming, so much that two instructors granted me to skip two levels. i went on to take all lifeguarding courses before i had to wait until i was sixteen. i didn’t pick it back up when i turned sixteen which made my parents outraged. i went on to hear about it for the next six years. my parents enrolled me in skating and i did well to skip the ‘red’ level which was the first level. i didn’t enjoy skating much so i never continued onto figure skating. i was on the tennis court as a ball girl ever since i could remember. soon after, my parents enrolled me into lessons at indoor tennis facility where i played a few tournaments. at the crossroad where players started specializing and turning pro, my parents asked if i wanted a coach. i turned it down because i didn’t think i could be one in a million that turns into a tennis star. i also played basketball at starting in elementary school. i would play all recess and lunch forgo-ing eating, but my parents forbid me to join any school teams. i finally convinced them to let me in highschool and made the team from grade eight to ten. however, it came to an abrupt halt after three severe ankle sprains had me on crutches and one major career-ending knee injury. my doctor did not allow me to take PE in grade eleven. i worked hard at physio and was cleared for PE twelve and tennis team, but still not able to return to competitive basketball

taekwondo had it’s ups and downs but it did shine at some point. i started as a white belt thinking i’d have some fun one summer. one summer became many summers. in the early stages as a yellow-green belt, i would half-ass thinking matching the green belts’ level was adequate. it turns out it wasn’t; my instructor wasn’t having any of that and lectured me on how it was unacceptable not to be practicing up to my fullest potential. that next promotion test, i was the second student in school history to skip a belt level. i started competing and that changed everything. i became an instructor, a coach and eventually the branch head instructor. though there’s glory, there’s also a lot of burden and stress behind the scenes. from white to black, there’s been many bumps and bruises, breaking my foot three times enroute to my third dan today. two years ago, i thought i could handle hanging up my competition uniform, but i was wrong. deep down, i know that i didn’t experience and accomplish all that i wanted to in order to say i have no regrets. i carry a lot weight being in the position i am in today and i feel no matter how much i put in, it is never enough. being in the position that i am, i feel obligated to continue onto my fourth. if i don’t grow, how will my students grow? how will i keep my dreams alive?

tricking is something i picked up partially because i have the aspirations to compete again, but also because i liked it. though i’m neither talented nor daring enough like some others, i still try to do what i can. i have moves i need in order to have any hopes of competing again, along with a list of tricks i want to learn just for the sake of it, but progress has been slowed by my foot and the various injuries i live with. i tried to stay patient all this time, but my patience has a limit and i’m afraid it’s running low. i’ve been extremely frustrated recently because i still have to hold off on things i really need and time is ticking. little do people know, i often beat myself up when i don’t get something that is seemingly so easy for somebody else. with any ‘bad’ training session that felt unproductive, i’d lay in bed thinking it over all night long. i know i’m not a natural at this, but i’m hoping my hard work pays off. until i know the severity of my foot injury, i’ll still be pushing hard – even if it means being on one foot. i’m no stranger to pushing the limits. if there’s one thing i do well, it’s disobeying commands, pushing through pain and playing through all sorts of injuries; it’s something i’m known for and that likely won’t change. my physio, chiro and kinesiologists knows me well enough that very little will stop me

i started lifting weights for rehab purposes, but soon grew to love it as something that compliments my sports and enhances my performance. i picked up olympic lifting four years ago only because i saw a trainer working out and thought it looked cool. for a couple years, i would always stay within my comfort zone just enough for maintenance. for that reason, i plateaued lifting the same amount of weight and wasn’t making the weight my kinesiologist expected. i remember disappointing him every time he checked on my progress, be it squats, deadlifts, bench, rows, pullups. it wasn’t until the beginning of this year i got serious about it and got into an olympic lifting specific program to improve my technique. through the program, my technique improved significantly and my strength really took off. only recently, i made a couple personal bests, but even those numbers are not quite the numbers that’s expected out of me. if i can one day exceed any of those expectations, i wouldn’t rule out a future competition

it’s really been a lot of back and forth with constant struggles. i know for a fact that my mom is disappointed i have yet to settle for someone. i’m disappointing them because it seems like i have no urgency to get into another relationship after being removed from one. maybe the previous brought bad experiences and many disappointments and the last thing i want is to get into one that will not make me happy. coming as a joke or not, it bothers me every time i’m being badgered or questioned about my choice; i’m more than positive of my answer and i need not to prove it to anyone. i can only apologize for the disappointment that it hasn’t happened yet, all i know is it’ll happen when the time is right and i meet the man of my dreams

my life has been far from a walk in the park and it’s been a rough stretch that’s consumed more of me than it should have. all my life i’ve been use to people being hard on me, pushing me and trying to bring the best out of me, and that’s okay because i can handle it. lately, it strikes me that i have more often than not fallen short of expectations. i’ve failed many people that had any hopes for me and i’m deeply saddened to have failed in so many regards. it seems i can’t ace any test given to me, but i can only promise i’ll keep trying. i know for a fact i’m not a person that settles for any less than what i want. believe me, no one is as harsh as i am on myself. in the meantime i’m just trying to keep it together

day 2113 – catchup time

it’s probably my fault that some hangouts happen less frequently than it should. finally catching up with a long time highschool friend over some food. it was good to just chat and download all the things that’s gone by. i realize all she wanted to do was to treat me to a meal for my birthday. i really do cherish that so much of our lives has changed, but our friendship hasn’t. maybe next time we can get a few of the core people out all at once

day 2036 – physio visit

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my ankle was obviously not in good working form so getting it checked up because i can’t afford to have any time off. the faster i fix it, the faster i’m on the roundoff back tucks again. the reason i love my physio is he’s good at what he does – fixing my injuries since highschool. he knows me so well that every time i visit, he would work his magic on my many failing body parts and get me back to my sports in a jiffy. this was time no different. it’s amazing how much better my ankle felt after he did some adjustments

day 1989 – shakespeare

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seeing my student reading romeo and juliet for english class brings back so much highschool memories. it’s one of those assigned readings that i never quite finish, but somehow got eighty one percentage on the test. i wasn’t exactly a keener when it came to english homework and it wasn’t a subject i found interesting. i hope she doesn’t ask me any shakespeare question cause i wouldn’t remember anything