last day of my hong kong trip 2018 spent eating on seafood road in sai kung. that’s a wrap for this year’s asia trip. i caught up with a number of old friends, visited a lot of fun places, and ate an abnormal amount of food, but most importantly i saw family. it’s hard saying goodbye, but i must go home to resume my usual lifestyle and work commitments. i’ll admit at times it’s hard to swallow seeing the conditions both my grandmas are in. i really wish i could improve their standard of living, but i feel hopeless and almost heartbroken not having got a clue how. i’ll be back to my stomping ground soon enough
i was prepared to spend my day here and walk out with metal inserts. did all sorts of tests, hooked up to machines, confirmed anesthetics, then the surgeon came and said he didn’t believe he could make it any better with a metal plate. i’m more than slightly confused with the turn of events; i don’t have a choice but to follow his plan of action of treatments at his clinic. after four or five hours of checkups and a few holes, i was discharged without being operated on. hospital aside, the transparency at one of my major life event is unacceptable and more than a red flag. i think i’ll forever remember this day as the day my heart broke
it’s a good song, but a sad one. a song that looped and looped over hundred times in my car and on my computer because it speaks for my heart. i can’t explain and don’t want to try to explain why tears just keep rolling uncontrollably. all this is just wreckage to my soul, and i’m ready to pull out to end the misery. every day i tell myself that this will all be over some day. i guess i’m just waiting for the moment to speak and get it over with
some days are better than other days, but lately many days i feel like i just can’t be good enough. i sit alone in the dark thinking about everything i could be and should be. it hurts to think that no matter what i do, i can never live up to my own expectations; no matter how hard i try, i don’t deserve it. time after time, there’s obstacles and setbacks in my path obstructing me from making my goals and dreams a reality. sometimes i think it’s better not to isolate myself because i will overthink without a doubt, but often i find myself opting to be alone because i don’t want others to see my tears. i know it’s a selfish act to shut off the world, but i don’t think others would appreciate the negativity and most would never understand where i am coming from anyway. i prefer to maintain that protective exterior shell instead of exposing what’s really within. ever since i started losing myself, the times i’ve had emotional outbreaks far exceeds the amount of occurrences i average in the past couple years. there are times like now when tears just uncontrollably roll down my face without reason, but it’s simply because i’ve been pretending to be strong in front of others for too long. i must admit i was stupid enough to let disturbing thoughts float around my mind, but i am tired of pretending; i can’t carry on so something must end – either it or me. i tried to cry myself to sleep hoping tomorrow will be the day i have a better idea of who i am and the purpose i serve. am i a nobody that only disappoints those who naively didn’t give up on me yet?? i am so frustrated at myself for not knowing how to be good enough. when will i figure it out and get back to my norm??
sometimes people don’t know how hurtful their words can be. but nature, i don’t speak up for myself, but just because i don’t react or stand up for myself, doesn’t mean i agree with how it was played out. it just means i’ve already taken blows that people never noticed. i’m learning to take them as they come and move forward like it never hurt. today i took multiple blows – physically, mentally and emotionally. sometimes i fail in this regard to let others dictate because i care about their feelings more than mine
made this two and a half years ago to keep track of how many days my broken bones have kept off any sports, physical activities and much of my social life. every x marked each and every day that i suffered through, no doubt the worst time of my life. use this as a reminder to never give up on what i love, fight for my passion and always remember the tough times i had to go through to get to where i am today