day 2451 – snowy disappointment

the forecast was correct as snow fell overnight. it wasn’t a whole lot, so i could still drive my mom’s car to work. i was hit with a bunch of disappointment at flipping tonight. what i felt in december came back again – i felt like i wasn’t getting the same support and learning opportunity. i’m pretty frustrated i’m not getting what i need to make progress. all i ever hear is i’m making progress, i’m missing technique; but i’m not getting any support or guidance as to how to fix that technique or what it is i need to do to get there. it’s the neglect and the constant empty promises that’s really getting to me. maybe my initial gut feeling was correct and i should pack it in because no one believes i can land anything anymore

day 2324 – reasons to quit

rough day doing flips today made me think of a lot of things that wasn’t suppose to cross my mind. i get the feeling others have already written me off and that i’ll no longer be able to land anything anymore. it’s unfair to be left hanging and it’s the main reason i’m considering quitting. i’m not a person that can settle with no foreseeable goals. in my mind, i’m thinking if i don’t land a new move either webster, butterfly twist, flash or flash gainer before the end of this year, i’m going to call it quits. maybe it’s better for everyone anyway so i’m not given false hope that i can be any good

day 2290 – google toy

the first of five package to arrive is my newest google toy. during my recovery phase, i’ve got nothing better to do but to invest in online shopping. i’ve already missed my original targeted date in returning. the recovery progress is slowed and sometimes nonexistent. i’ve received four or five different diagnosis without a verdict. i can’t lie, but i’ve started to lose hope that even after resuming my activities, i will not do things nearly as good. part of me wonders if my ride is over and i’ll have to give up certain things that i really like

day 2098 – shaky

i’m not going to lie. i feeling pretty depleted after today’s workout session. for the first time at apex, i failed to hit my pre-programmed weights. i missed a number of snatches and fell short of the weight i was suppose to lift for both my snatches and front squats. i’m not going to lie, i saw the weights set in my program and immediately felt intimidated. of the missed snatches, i didn’t give the effort to fight for the hold. though i was three pounds short of my one forty five squats, i’m still pretty excited to have a small increase from last week

day 1960 – gaining or losing

trying something new and falling on my face is quite normal. i can’t lie about the disappointment i’ve been facing with my struggles as of late. i feel like i’ve lost the back tuck and aerial, both of which i’ve spent so long working on. the only thing i still have is my front tuck. i feel ashamed that i’m going through this struggle with my flips and tricks and very few people will understand. sports has always come rather easy all my life and my coordination has never been an issue, but for this i always second guess myself and kind of want to give up

day 1379 – icbc rehab

img_20200204_1532211689043998011456866.jpgthe bad just got worse and now i’m put on a long chiro rehab program through icbc. the quality of life is just not there at the moment and i really want to give up. there’s no comfortable position between sitting, standing and laying down; basic mobility is compromised to the point where the pain keeps me from sleeping. it’s been a horrid week sleep deprived, not being able to go to gym, not playing sports like normal, not able to be myself. it’s asking for too much from me when i have reduce some of my physical activities and even hold off in some cases. i try not appear in pain but even staying strong has its limits and i’ve reached it. i don’t know if restricting all my sports is easier or death