rarely do i have anything special on canada day. this year it’s even more boring than any other because of covid and the rainy weather. the highlight of my day was going into apex for a lift. i’m really happy to be trying snatches again and even happier that everything felt manageable. my knee does hurt when i stomp too hard or at lockout, but didn’t hinder me from getting into catching position. june was a really rough month for all things including injuries, lifting, tricking, family and people. i hope to put june behind me and start off july on the right foot
trying something new and falling on my face is quite normal. i can’t lie about the disappointment i’ve been facing with my struggles as of late. i feel like i’ve lost the back tuck and aerial, both of which i’ve spent so long working on. the only thing i still have is my front tuck. i feel ashamed that i’m going through this struggle with my flips and tricks and very few people will understand. sports has always come rather easy all my life and my coordination has never been an issue, but for this i always second guess myself and kind of want to give up
needed some grunting moments as a source of outlet prior to having my taekwondo meeting with grandmaster. i really needed to unleash all that anger with endorphins emitting activities and iron was just the thing. the frustration of being continuously bombarded with phone calls and messages up to the hour of the meeting. didn’t kick up any of his calls because i didn’t want to be distracted by unrelated work matters. needless to say i was so distracted and deflated to the point where i didn’t want to hit the gym, but i’m glad i did it on a day where i felt so unmotivated
not the typical day i thought it would be at work. i thought i would go about my own business and keep my composure just as i’ve always done, but i unraveled in a hurry. i refused to bring my personal life to work and need not to explain the battles i fight. i was in pure frustration to hear people who have no idea what i’m going through make ignorant assumptions and go as far as using ‘abusing rights’. i never want to unload any of my problems on anyone cause i believed i’m tough enough to shoulder my own burden. clearly i haven’t said enough; hr and manager are asking to be let in on things i bottled up for much too long. they want to be my outlet and they want me to know i can let them in
i am getting more irritated and more concerned waking up every morning feeling like a train hit me. i can’t move my neck to look down at the ground and cringe every time i need go bend over. these restrictions isn’t working for me and it’s only a matter of time before i explode. there’s so much i hate about my life at this point because it doesn’t allow me to move or play at will and i’m simply dying from gym withdrawal
the morning started off good gearing up for a practice with teammates before the regular season. i was thrilled to be on ice with gear, sticks and pucks but that was the only bright spot. somethings got in the way but it was a setting i had to keep my composure and pretend nothing was wrong. i spoke my exact feelings and thoughts, but the thorn is way deeper than what i can remove. it was an unsettling feeling that started off sour and ended sour; made it far from an enjoyable rest of the night. i needed a punching bag more than anything and deep down i had the urge to go get one
some days are better than other days, but lately many days i feel like i just can’t be good enough. i sit alone in the dark thinking about everything i could be and should be. it hurts to think that no matter what i do, i can never live up to my own expectations; no matter how hard i try, i don’t deserve it. time after time, there’s obstacles and setbacks in my path obstructing me from making my goals and dreams a reality. sometimes i think it’s better not to isolate myself because i will overthink without a doubt, but often i find myself opting to be alone because i don’t want others to see my tears. i know it’s a selfish act to shut off the world, but i don’t think others would appreciate the negativity and most would never understand where i am coming from anyway. i prefer to maintain that protective exterior shell instead of exposing what’s really within. ever since i started losing myself, the times i’ve had emotional outbreaks far exceeds the amount of occurrences i average in the past couple years. there are times like now when tears just uncontrollably roll down my face without reason, but it’s simply because i’ve been pretending to be strong in front of others for too long. i must admit i was stupid enough to let disturbing thoughts float around my mind, but i am tired of pretending; i can’t carry on so something must end – either it or me. i tried to cry myself to sleep hoping tomorrow will be the day i have a better idea of who i am and the purpose i serve. am i a nobody that only disappoints those who naively didn’t give up on me yet?? i am so frustrated at myself for not knowing how to be good enough. when will i figure it out and get back to my norm??
taking a long walk along the seawall to digress all that’s been happening around my life as of late. i had a rough one last night and woke up feeling like crap, but with the passage of time plus comfort and care of family and friends, it has gotten a bit less emotional. having all these bottled up inside makes life very depressing, i am still very surprised i finally let it all out and got it out of my system
as if my day wasn’t as unflattering enough, it continues into the night. just as i thought i could go home and wait for the arrival of friday, things get even worse. my parents and i just can’t seem to see eye to eye recently and it’s making me very frustrated. i am dealing with way too much at the moment to correct what’s been said and done. the only two things i want to do is go to the gym and let out my steam and sit in darkness to get some time alone so i don’t explode on anyone else
today’s performance is unworthy of this blue uniform. let down a lot of people and most importantly myself with lack of concentration and attention of detail. disappointment all over, i am the harshest critic of myself and should never allow that to happen again. time to tighten it up and be more serious and prepared for the next.