day 2523 – nothingness

i had a super frustrating training session at tricking and left the gym crying. i’ve been going at cart fronts and btwists for some time but there’s next to no progress to show for. the coach would point out that i’m doing things wrong, but no matter what i do, i can’t seem to do what the coach is telling me do so he’s also given up on me. as much as i want to slow down and work on the technique, i don’t know how it feels like to be right. i feel so hopeless that part of me thinks i should give up on it because i’ll never get it. i’m told to take a break and work on something else, but that’s happened for all my moves, and as it stands i’ve accomplished nothing

day 2491 – square one

nothing to feel good about in tonight’s session. back tucks and front tucks were passable. everything about my webster is wrong so i’m back to square one. i left the gym feeling disappointed and extremely upset with myself. stayed up much later than i should’ve, clearly bothered and frustrated with how my webster had broken down and in general how incompetent i was. i was already on a bubble tea ban prior to this, but now i made up my mind that i’ll be indefinite until i can land my webster on the floor

day 2477 – revisiting tricks

it’s been a rough stretch full of frustration and tears because i really am not getting the touch down raiz and i worry i’ll never get it. it hurts me so much that even my most basic moves are falling apart. i have no choice but to switch it up and work on some of my old tricks. that meant tweaking my front tuck take off to protect my hyperextended knee so i can get my cart front. i also tried some websters but none felt right and the weeks of work i put into drilling it seems to have gone down the drain. the one positive i can take away is i can still try to connect my cartwheel back handspring which i haven’t worked on for weeks. i can’t help but feel defeated for all the things that i want aren’t working

day 2457 – whiskey hazelnut

earnest is a luxury that i save only to indulge as a reward. i had a rather rough week coping internally, especially in training. whenever there’s any sign of improvement in my knee, a setback happens like excessive inflammation during drills or walking into a car. what made me content is that even though things didn’t go well, i kept up with the training. it’s important to keep drilling, but it’s equally important to accept that some things may not be at it’s best and that’s when i can work on other skills

day 2454 – stubborn knee

it’s hard to stay positive when i was all eager to train raiz into red, but i can’t carry out the drill because my knee simply can’t take the landing on the mat. it started to get inflamed after five attempts and i wasn’t even at a point where i was doing it right yet. i teared up a little getting overly flustered and frustrated. the stubborn me says i’m still going to do this drill no matter what because i’m determined to get this move

day 2407 – brainstorming

the thirty six hour whirlwind of text messages, calls and emails is finally over. i got the all important document that salvaged killarney classes for this weekend. even though it’s fixed in the nick of time, it doesn’t change the fact the business owner didn’t own up to his school and left me out on this insurance roller coaster. if i hadn’t personally reached out, none of the problem would never have been resolved. i’m learning as i go, but i’m also learning how much the grandmaster is willing to do for killarney. maybe it’s really time i start my own thing

day 2400 – parking lot

leaving the office just shy of five and the lot is empty. if anyone ever questions whether i have enough hours for the compressed work week, they should probably question twenty others first. it gets me so frustrated when micro-managing becomes a thing especially when someone’s just trying to mind their own business and get work done. it also bugs me that the high salary goes to waste on things like this

day 2451 – snowy disappointment

the forecast was correct as snow fell overnight. it wasn’t a whole lot, so i could still drive my mom’s car to work. i was hit with a bunch of disappointment at flipping tonight. what i felt in december came back again – i felt like i wasn’t getting the same support and learning opportunity. i’m pretty frustrated i’m not getting what i need to make progress. all i ever hear is i’m making progress, i’m missing technique; but i’m not getting any support or guidance as to how to fix that technique or what it is i need to do to get there. it’s the neglect and the constant empty promises that’s really getting to me. maybe my initial gut feeling was correct and i should pack it in because no one believes i can land anything anymore

day 2298 – room bound

sadly, i slept in and missed the raptors limited edition shoe launch. spent majority of the time at home and mostly in my room because i don’t want to get anyone in my family sick. it’s been a really weird and rough stretch for me the past few weeks. i’ve dealt with a foot injury where after six assessments by different physicians, the final diagnosis is still u determine to date. yet, i still am restricted to basically not do anything i usually do. i’m now trapped with this sickness tagged as bronchitis, but i also have a cold and both combined keeps me up coughing all night long, and gives me a headache when i’m not in bed

day 2170 – road less taken

the tears that rolled uncontrollably down my face was a direct reflection of how i felt inside. as much as i wanted to stop myself in front of people, i simply couldn’t stop the tears from coming down. so much stress has built up around work, taekwondo, people and health that my emotional and physical state are torn inside and outside. all my life i feel i’ve been cheated because i never had the privilege of having the health most people enjoy. still, i push through and train through all my injuries, overcoming one after another. this time is no different, but four months is too long to go through without having a proper diagnosis and method of treatment. no doubt i’m feeling frustrated from the hopelessness