fulfilment

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heaving a ten tonne rock off my shoulders is an appropriate representation as i haven’t felt so relieved in far too long. it may not mean anything to others, but to me, no words can describe how much receiving that call means to me. for the past year, i struggled to find myself, to accept myself and to be myself. i would hate myself for never being good enough at everything and for anything, often had internal war within. i went though down times that caused eating problems which consequently wrecked my body in too many ways. i bottled up all my problems and feelings, and avoided sensitive topics at all costs. it got to the point where i lost interest in a lot of things and wanted to confine myself in my own space so i didn’t have to talk. at last i opened up to a selected few; i need not to mention any names as you know who you are. i’m thankful that while i was going through my wildest and worst times, you came to the rescue and stood by me. thank you for being patient with me when i was going through some of the roughest times. for piecing me together and keeping me together when i was self destructing. for not rushing me to become something i wasn’t ready to become. for supporting me to find what i truly wanted. for accepting me with open arms and caressing me when i needed you most. it’s you that kept me afloat and a good reason why i’m still alive and striving to this day. through this process i’ve learned an abundance of things –  it’s okay to have weak moments but i’ve learned to be strong. many times i thought i had turned the corner, only to stumbled back in. today i can safely and assertively say i have found my way out of this gigantic hole, and i will only move forward in the direction i’ve always wanted to go but didn’t dare to go. i have a very good reason to smile as i’m leaving everything behind and starting my new episode fresh. i have found myself and i’ll be chasing whatever fulfills my heart

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day 1057 – walking in rain

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a walk in the drizzling rain got me a little wet, but left me feeling refreshed. when i am alone, i think and think until i overthink everything. i’ll always find something to think about even when there’s nothing to think about. sometimes life let’s you wander off to nowhere in particular and leave you hanging just so you can learn a little more about yourself and perhaps find yourself. i got my rest, i got my time off; it’s time to look for steps to do something that will lead me to what i my soul is searching for

down to business

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checking in a month into the new year. it’s time to set my february goals straight, but before i do that, a quick reflection on january. i didn’t do terribly bad for january goals but i really should have done better. a rough month it was, suffering with uncertainties and going through with tough decisions. it’s safe to say the stresses got the better of me in the latter half of the month but enough of letting my emotions get the best of me. moving right along because what’s passed is past so not going to dwell on it. february is a short month, but doesn’t mean i ease up when it comes to goal setting. in fact, it’s the exact opposite of that cause i have some hefty goals awaiting with lots of gains to be made. this only means it gives me very little room for deviation as i stomp on the gas pedal and run full steam ahead. it’s all about knowing what’s important to me, setting my priorities straight, sticking to the game plan and staying the course. i’m feeling oddly motivated to get my shit together for february and do what needs to be done. it’s about time i learn to clean up my act and learn a little something about accountability. all i am just asking of myself is to give it my all and be the best i can be. for once, be able to live up to expectations and turn some doubters’ head while doing so. i’m going to be one ambitious chick looking to score big this month and nothing can stop me now

day 849 – big decisions

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i think i made one of the biggest decision since my existence but i also think it’s a necessary one. i’ve been in limbo for quite some time but i kept quiet and tried to hide everything inside. today, i took a huge leap of faith and let go of something i really should have let go long ago, but was afraid to do so. i sat at starbucks to recollect myself because i wasn’t sure if i was aware what just happened. now it’s time to collect my thoughts and think about the steps i need to take moving forward. this was an all important decision and i believe it’s the right one because without it, i would continue to be a robot assuming my regular routine. this really forces me to focus on what i really needed to do – think about what’s best for me

resolution series: [five] follow your dreams

imagethere comes a time when self doubts and uncertainties creep into your mind and you wonder if what you are doing is the best thing. unlike math, there is no formula in life that calculates and spits out values or absolute answers of what is the best for you. as long as you do what your heart desires, it is the right thing to do. i feel like the last little while my life has been a roller coaster ride, sometimes soaring sky high and other times simply free falling. recently, i have been in limbo whether i have lost track of what i am doing and if that is still where my interest lies. i don’t want to be endlessly chasing something just because someone said i have to or just doing it for the sake of doing it. been putting a lot of thought into finding all the answers to what i really value, what i want to achieve in life, what i want to be known for, what legacy i want to leave behind and ultimately what path i want to take. i have gotten answers in some aspects, but i still have much to figure out. i understand these money answers will not come overnight because no one will ever have it crystal clear in its entirety and it is something one will take a lifetime to find out. john lennon once said, “everything will be okay. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” as long as i am progressing, i will let everything come to me and take it one step at a time, one answer at a time. stay true to yourself and don’t be afraid to follow your heart, follow your dreams. it also happens to be my motto i live by

resolution series: [two] decisions

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decision making is a skill that humans slowly develop over time, but one may not notice it is not an innate skill. every child starts off with their parents doing the decision making because we are too young to make sensible choices. i have always had my parents make decisions for me no matter how big or small and that carried through to up and including university. i started later than most people and have developed too much reliance on my parents and others which may be the cause of my often indecisiveness. all i ever did was go with the flow and following the the instructions they give. but there comes a time when they have to slowly let go and let me make more of the decisions. sometimes the choices i make will be good and sometimes not so good, but its all a part of growing up and a learning curve that i must make. sure enough my parents will always be in the background giving me logical advice to consider because they’ve been through something i haven’t yet. sometimes it’s as simple as choosing the shoe i want to wear, which may seem harder than it really is. but i am slowly getting the hang of it by taking charge of my choices and paving for the road i want to travel

day 302 – familiar territory

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erratic visits lately to fix my knee problems that’s been sidelining me for the past week. almost any kind of bending is prohibited aside from walking, this to me feels worse than imprisonment. three years today was the first time i broke my foot. how far i have come and how much i have gone through to get to this point and i will stop at nothing because i know it will only get stronger and better