building 2017

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2016 was one heck of a crazy roller coaster ride. the past twelve months gave me ample opportunities to experience more of what life is about. i found myself in the darkest moments where i shut myself off from the world, fluctations and eating problems ensued. i managed to dig deep with the support of my close ones, and got myself back together. nothing came easy as nothing worth achieving ever comes easy. behind closed doors, i fought many battles that no one knew about, but the most important thing is i never gave up on myself. i came to realization that i don’t want to remain stagnant and don’t want to remain the same so i took on some challenges. i defined what my goals were and was proactive in taking the necessary steps to get myself there. through the hard times i gained a lot of knowledge and strength that no doubt made a better me. it made me realize i’m much stronger than i think i am and need to get even stronger to withstand. i’m much closer to where i want to be but i’m not where i want to be yet. i’m still working on becoming the best version of myself

finished 2016 on a high note and looking to build a strong 2017 with bigger and more ambitious goals. it’s time to take it up a notch or even two and fulfill whatever my heart desires

  • stay as healthy and as injury-free as possible
  • train smarter and eat properly with sufficient sleep
  • be more disciplined and focused towards my goals
  • continue to work on my confidence level
  • love myself for who i am
  • communicate more with family and friends
  • explore the world and expand my horizon
  • attain supplementary diploma
  • appreciate being a workaholic, but also appreciate the little things
  • save up for the number game
  • revisit photography
  • do more of what sets my heart on fire

i’m pumped to make the next twelve months the best months i’ve ever had. find my strong. it’s now or never

fulfilment

img_20200204_2259236988350126470173169.jpgheaving a ten tonne rock off my shoulders is an appropriate representation as i haven’t felt so relieved in far too long. it may not mean anything to others, but to me, no words can describe how much receiving that call means to me. for the past year, i struggled to find myself, to accept myself and to be myself. i would hate myself for never being good enough at everything and for anything, often had internal war within. i went though down times that caused eating problems which consequently wrecked my body in too many ways. i bottled up all my problems and feelings, and avoided sensitive topics at all costs. it got to the point where i lost interest in a lot of things and wanted to confine myself in my own space so i didn’t have to talk. at last i opened up to a selected few; i need not to mention any names as you know who you are. i’m thankful that while i was going through my wildest and worst times, you came to the rescue and stood by me. thank you for being patient with me when i was going through some of the roughest times. for piecing me together and keeping me together when i was self destructing. for not rushing me to become something i wasn’t ready to become. for supporting me to find what i truly wanted. for accepting me with open arms and caressing me when i needed you most. it’s you that kept me afloat and a good reason why i’m still alive and striving to this day. through this process i’ve learned an abundance of things –  it’s okay to have weak moments but i’ve learned to be strong. many times i thought i had turned the corner, only to stumbled back in. today i can safely and assertively say i have found my way out of this gigantic hole, and i will only move forward in the direction i’ve always wanted to go but didn’t dare to go. i have a very good reason to smile as i’m leaving everything behind and starting my new episode fresh. i have found myself and i’ll be chasing whatever fulfills my heart

day 1177 – vantage point

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taking a step back and putting everything on hold to regroup, recharge and recalibrate myself. i’ve been too distracted lately and not loving myself for who i am; if i don’t, no one would. the toxic feeling got too far to the point where i thought i wasn’t worth. it was a long overdue reset day where i did nothing related. i wanted a break and i got it, but now it’s time to find that fire and move forward in the right direction

day 1127 – post rolling

img_20200203_1330523310199490436145819.jpgwrapping up august with a satisfying workout and some intense rolling. the month has flown by so fast and today’s weather tells me summer season won’t last. reflecting on the month, i have made plenty of progress both physically and mentally, and in turn grown as a person. i have a lot to be thankful for, those who didn’t give up on me. i found that if i put my mind to something, i surprise myself and don’t always lose to my own expectations. the self realizations doesn’t end here, it’s only the beginning. stay tuned for the months to come on my journey to finding myself

day 1093 – dial back

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a day of climbing out of the dark and back into the light. the past forty eight hours had a lot more downs than ups, but i will spend much of the next hours, days, weeks and years making it infinitely better. i am strong enough to withstand the circumstances thrown at me. it is time to repair myself and look for new directions. i can always bank of having companions by my side to talk it over

day 1060 – transpire

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sixteen timezones apart, no problem; a hundred timezones apart, still no problem. good friends keeping me afloat on this one because they will understand even when they don’t understand. she tells me you have to take their downs if you want to be a part of their ups; sometimes you fall because there’s something that you’re suppose to find. what i am searching for?? how deep do i have to dig?? that’s something i must find for myself

day 1057 – walking in rain

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a walk in the drizzling rain got me a little wet, but left me feeling refreshed. when i am alone, i think and think until i overthink everything. i’ll always find something to think about even when there’s nothing to think about. sometimes life let’s you wander off to nowhere in particular and leave you hanging just so you can learn a little more about yourself and perhaps find yourself. i got my rest, i got my time off; it’s time to look for steps to do something that will lead me to what i my soul is searching for

give and receive

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recently each and every day is a mighty struggle because i am trapped in a battle against myself and within myself. regardless of what i go through, i try not to let problems surface and definitely don’t allow my mood to fluctuate. i never want my troubles to affect others because i am a strong and independent girl that ought to take care myself and not cause others to worry. truth is, i’ve been really troubled lately and i just don’t know what to do with myself. there are nights when i sit alone thinking about everything i am, everything i am not, and then eventually emotions get the better of me. sometimes i am uncertain what purpose i serve in society and why my existence even matters?? what exactly sets my heart on fire and where my passion lies?? this is a routine i would go through day in and day out, but so far i’ve come out empty handed majority of the time. every now and then, i would feel my strength as a person has been decreasing with every self destructing battle i fight. then i think to myself that life gave me those challenges because i am strong enough to live it. knowing nothing comes overnight, i can only carry on and stay positive that something will come along as long as i keep going. this is only one of the few challenges i will encounter in my life, and i am set on defeating it

stumbling

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i can’t be certain if my mind and my heart will still be in one piece come end of this month. there were so many times this month when i sat alone in the dark wanting to cry, wanting to run myself through the wall, wanting to pull my hair out and wanting to quit everything. but then, when i think about it again, what good with that do?? would it solve all the problems and frustrations i have at hand?? before i did anything careless, i managed to step back to gather myself and viewed things from a broader angle. stumbling is part of life, falling down is a must because that’s when you learn what you are made of. i’m sure all the greats have fallen at some point in the lifetime but somehow they managed to get to where they are now. i know i had to make some big and extremely tough decisions lately, but i made them and will be able to live with it for the rest of my life. there’s a lot of things in my life worth striving for, a lot to look forward to in the future. i shouldn’t let one or two or a few setbacks dictate and ruin my life. i promised myself i would only give myself a week to dwell and regroup, but after that, i will once again find the determination to move closer to my dreams and goals

fight for it

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very, very late last night, i finally gathered the courage and came to a tough decision to pass up on this year’s us open. this may be a rare opportunity in my lifetime to partake in such a massive event of exceptional calibre. i never ever in my life imagined myself being granted this opportunity but maybe because of that, it instilled so much fear in me. it would have been a superb experience, but not one that i felt i was ready to take on alone. i didn’t feel like my physical capabilities nor my mental game was ready for this level of competition. i can’t deny i am very disappointed i choose to back out of these opens because it’s something i’ve been really looking forward to for months and months. sometimes i think i would hate myself for letting this chance slip away, but it’s a decision i made and one that i will be able to live with. i know that this decision was as tough on me as it was for those who devoted so much time and energy in me – with their heart and soul and giving me only positive encouragements. there’s several individuals i want to single out for they were always around to listen to all my rants, troubles and everything in between. but none more so than the hardass nazi who never stopped believing in me, who listened to my many insecurities and tried to put everything into perspective in order to will me to take the challenge. i can’t express my gratitude for all the support i have received along the way. i am sorry i couldn’t make this happen, i wished i could find the inner strength to carry through with this. i may seem down and out at the moment, but with time i will recuperate and bounce back stronger than before. i haven’t lost my passion for competing, it’s simply a little setback that i must overcome. moving forward, i will work extra hard to better prepare myself for nationals. it’s going to happen