day 1387 – round and round

work and appointment went smoothly, yet it was still a bad day. even the sunshine didn’t change my state of mind. the little things really add up to a lot and i’ve realized more so of why i’m less happy. perhaps my inner self is starting to take exception to the diminishing consideration and respect. it sucks always being discredited and it sucks being secondary. it’s eating me up and i feel like my confidence is reaching an all time low. i lose sleep seeking self acceptance because i struggle to like myself for who i am

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林奕匡 – 一雙手

a song that’s been looping endlessly especially when i’m at loss of words. sometimes i think i have found what i’m looking for, i have what i want, and then those thoughts vanish. these thoughts leave me hanging and instills a lot of self doubt. lately i’m feeling a little upset at myself and i’m trying hard not to let that to spill over to others. this song resonates for me; it gives me a boost and a reason to continue even when i’m uncertain

self discovery

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it was more or less a self-wrecking week with so many internal and external forces pushing up against me. it was all a combination of stress from competition, school, work, people but none more so than myself. the road has not been easy as i have felt myself slowly dying inside but i didn’t want to confront and address it. it hurts to know that leakage of my stresses was stressing out others. no one has a clue what is going on in my head and it’s probably better kept that way. i’m disappointed at myself for not handling myself better and keeping my emotions a little tighter. the last thing i want is to be a burden to anyone and add unncessary flavour to anyone; i made up my mind that interacting less and speaking less will be helpful. i felt safe that way just to eliminate any chance of doing or saying the wrong things. sometimes i wonder why i need feelings when i’m better off without them. during this time, i spent some time reading quotes and looking for inspiration to get me through this stretch. i’m already at a point of self-destruction, there’s nowhere else to go but up. i know i’m strong enough to get through these ruts, and in case i’m not, i need to find a way to become stronger. i do believe i’ll find my way out and the better is on its way

day 744 – bedtime reading

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reading books isn’t something i do often, but if it helps me find myself, then this is a change i must make. picked up this book the other day because the title written in big black bold letters was so intriguing it caught my attention. and inside, this statement really got me intrigued. prior to sleeping tonight, i sat on my bed flipping through this inspirational book and hoping this will inspire me and put me back in the groove

reset in order

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through my struggles in the last little while to get past some major mental block where i have attempted to shut off the world and kind of turned against myself. during this stretch, my confidence level wavered immensely because i am unsure where i am headed and unsure if where i want to go is even plausible. is this what i thought i wanted what i truly want to pursue or am i just doing it for the sake of doing it? so many of questions along the same line popped out in my head and i kept questioning myself. it is scary to think that i myself don’t even have any of these critical answers. after hermitting and mulling about these uncertainties for several days, i think i am creeping closer to getting my answers. i think i see the light in the darkness, but the rest is really up to me because it’s mental thing more than anything. i need to train and build up my mentality game to be ready for my competition game. i have been involved in competitions nonstop without any rest, and a mental exhaustion is probably the main spur of this endless self crushing mental block. so for now, i think it’s best for me to step back to look at the broader picture. when something is obviously not going right, it calls for a break to make some adjustments. i am not sure how short or how long of a break i need, but i am positive that when i make my return, i will be stronger and better in every way

day 600 – pick me up

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there are so many uncertainties in my life and so many things i cannot control. so many questions floating in my head. i can’t be certain if i have chosen the path i want, if it’s even possible, if it’s worth it and most importantly – is my passion still there. i am very scared that the passion no longer exists and i am pursuing something where my heart is not at. i am lost in darkness and not sure where i am headed. and if it’s not, it will only make me more depressed than ever. where are all the answers to get me out of this funk?? on a completely different note, happy 600th day post

day 586 – wake up call

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recently, i feel i have lost the big picture and the overall purpose of what i am working towards. i knew i was not taking care of business the correct way but did little about it because i lost sight of my destination. thankfully i was given a wake up call to steer me back on track and make sure i understand what it is i have to do in order to up the determination. life doesn’t present itself in a straight path, but making sure i don’t fall off the cliff before i find my way