day 1301 – self conscious 

not moving much and not being physically active has made me become self conscious and i’ve let it take over with my decision making. it’s only fair that if i can’t do what i want, it won’t get what it wants either. can’t help but feel undeserving so i skipped a meal or two and waited out my appetite. as long as i occupy myself, everything becomes psychological needs

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out from stumbles

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lately i have been stuck in a rut fighting myself, losing my sense of direction and not knowing what i want to do with my life. i would carry on and beat myself up, then question whether my existence is meaningless. that’s not to say i have figured everything out, but i have decided to stop beating myself up and believing i am worthless. point is, i need to correct those behaviours because it would only hurt myself and hurting myself is hurting the loved ones around me; i hate to see others get hurt. i do feel apologetic for being silent and quiet about my problems, perhaps i am not quite good at sharing my troubled thoughts. i don’t mean to make you guys worry. it won’t change overnight, but i’ll try harder to be more open and vocal about what goes on inside my head. it’s time to realize i am not suppose to settle to be an average person, just like the millions of other human beings on earth. it’s time to step up my game and live up to expectations and chase my own dreams. doing so is nerve wrecking, but that’s the only way to grow as a person and expand on what i have already accomplished. i know that whichever path i choose to take, i will have the support of those around me. i want the supporters in my life to know that i was born for a reason

day 1093 – dial back

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a day of climbing out of the dark and back into the light. the past forty eight hours had a lot more downs than ups, but i will spend much of the next hours, days, weeks and years making it infinitely better. i am strong enough to withstand the circumstances thrown at me. it is time to repair myself and look for new directions. i can always bank of having companions by my side to talk it over

day 1092 – in isolation

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i intentionally trapped myself in my own world today. i didn’t leave the house, didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to think, didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to do anything. i feel more so stressed and hopeless; i have nothing to prove. it all works to my advantage since my ankle couldn’t move anyways. some disturbing thoughts floated around my mind today, but they were dismissed before it got too far. nothing was done as if today never happened

give and receive

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recently each and every day is a mighty struggle because i am trapped in a battle against myself and within myself. regardless of what i go through, i try not to let problems surface and definitely don’t allow my mood to fluctuate. i never want my troubles to affect others because i am a strong and independent girl that ought to take care myself and not cause others to worry. truth is, i’ve been really troubled lately and i just don’t know what to do with myself. there are nights when i sit alone thinking about everything i am, everything i am not, and then eventually emotions get the better of me. sometimes i am uncertain what purpose i serve in society and why my existence even matters?? what exactly sets my heart on fire and where my passion lies?? this is a routine i would go through day in and day out, but so far i’ve come out empty handed majority of the time. every now and then, i would feel my strength as a person has been decreasing with every self destructing battle i fight. then i think to myself that life gave me those challenges because i am strong enough to live it. knowing nothing comes overnight, i can only carry on and stay positive that something will come along as long as i keep going. this is only one of the few challenges i will encounter in my life, and i am set on defeating it

day 998 – under serving

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some days i feel out of it and today is one of them where i am just really not feeling coaching and training. being at taekwondo made me sad on this day because i am struggling to find the motivation to pick myself up. the competition week is fast approaching and my preparedness is far from being competition ready. this is a big one, but my a-game is nowhere to be found. all i want to do in avoid thinking about it and hope it gets out of my head. i know this can’t continue and i am searching for a fix

day 914 – leaf through

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came across this as i was leafing through my phone album for a kickass picture request. going through these pictures bring back so much memories, the times when i seemed to have a better grasp of competition. deep down i know i miss competition and really want to be back in the game, but knowing i will not return until i can step up my game. it’s been far too long since i last competed. the longer i’m away from the competition stage, the more scared i feel. i hope i’m able to control and improve not only my game, but my state of mind