day 1636 – lost craves

i’m dropping weight since i’ve gone inactive, not a bad thing as it saves me the hassle of cutting so maybe i won’t always be called fat. i’m looking to drop some more while i have a legit reason to restrain myself the calories. knowing that, i consciously haven’t had much of an appetite the past few weeks. muscles mass is taking a hit without the work i do at the gym. my body is in a confused stage and is in worse condition than normal cause it’s not used to not being used; my body just isn’t use to not taking a beating

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day 1555 – victim 

i had a lot of trouble sleeping tonight. what makes me such a good victim for people to hurt and take advantage of. i guess my feelings can be swept aside, guess promises can be broken, guess what i like or don’t like doesn’t matter anyways. at first i didn’t think i was fat but being repeatedly called that makes me believe i am indeed fat and repeatedly makes me skip meals. even after long days i force myself through the fatigue to come here simply cause i can’t eat unless i exercise. today is one of those days where i’m feeling completely burned out from a fifty eight hour work week but still dragged myself to workout because my dinner is not yet earned

day 1456 – lingering effects

slowly getting back to normally but there’s lingering effects both physically and mentally. somehow i am still hesitant and scared to eat regular food, or maybe i’m just worried i’ll get fat again. i’m hollow and empty inside, but i persuade myself i can wait it out. it’s one of those things i’d rather endure than being hurt and be scarred time after time. it affects me more than i’d ever want to talk about it