day 1559 – flooring 

together with my parents, we moved all the living room furniture over the long weekend to prepare for more home renovation. came home from work and the construction guy ripped out the public area carpet on the main floor and started laying out hardwood floor at the stairway. it will very be dusty and loud over the next couple days. i’ll miss the warm fuzzy feeling of the carpet, but i’ll have to adapt to the grainy feeling

day 1506 – grandma’s arm

my grandma is over ninety but probably healthier than me even before i turned nineteen. rarely has she made my family worry, but today i received bad news that she broke her arm from a fall. i’m worried that she’s suffering in pain, that she can’t take care of herself, that she wants my father by her side. she needs to go through a procedure and what she needs most is care that i cannot provide her. i just can’t rest easy knowing what she is going through and can only wish i could take it for her

day 1473 – mapo tofu


my family is away in asia so we had our’s early. this is the perfect time to have some lomo time. i’m stuffed from our home cooked meal as tried our hand at making mapo tofu and siu mai. it turned out very tasty.  the only adjustments i would make for next time is taking out the black bean paste and the proportion of tofu to meat. we’ll be using each other as test subjects while i have the entire house to myself. the weekend passed by too quickly but it was a pleasant one

day 1342 – fortunate and unfortunate

i consider myself very lucky still eating my brother’s birthday cake with family despite everything that could go wrong is going wrong. if my reaction came any later at the speed it unfolded, i may have been on my way out. as i sit alone at night with thoughts flowing in and out, thinking i may or may not have a legacy to leave behind. i just know i still have a lot untried and unaccomplished, and all my dearest and a ton of regrets i can’t bear to leave behind

 

day 1329 – mothering me

family will always be family and i am grateful to have caring ones. last night my mom said i was pale, this morning she handed me bottles and said i need to replenish the blood i lost. these red dates doesn’t taste good but i’ll drink it to give her a peace of mind. my mom was clearly more concerned than i was. at the end of the day, i know my mom cares for me more than i know it and still treats me her little girl

30 share it [three]

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christmas trees and decor everywhere, it’s all over my house too. i am reminded christmas day is only twenty two days away. the festive season is the time to spend time with family and friends, even friends that i haven’t spoken to since last christmas. the onslaught of parties and gathering and endless food is about to begin but it’s the perfect opportunity to catch up on what happened in between the three hundred forty days

fulfilment

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heaving a ten tonne rock off my shoulders is an appropriate representation as i haven’t felt so relieved in far too long. it may not mean anything to others, but to me, no words can describe how much receiving that call means to me. for the past year, i struggled to find myself, to accept myself and to be myself. i would hate myself for never being good enough at everything and for anything, often had internal war within. i went though down times that caused eating problems which consequently wrecked my body in too many ways. i bottled up all my problems and feelings, and avoided sensitive topics at all costs. it got to the point where i lost interest in a lot of things and wanted to confine myself in my own space so i didn’t have to talk. at last i opened up to a selected few; i need not to mention any names as you know who you are. i’m thankful that while i was going through my wildest and worst times, you came to the rescue and stood by me. thank you for being patient with me when i was going through some of the roughest times. for piecing me together and keeping me together when i was self destructing. for not rushing me to become something i wasn’t ready to become. for supporting me to find what i truly wanted. for accepting me with open arms and caressing me when i needed you most. it’s you that kept me afloat and a good reason why i’m still alive and striving to this day. through this process i’ve learned an abundance of things –  it’s okay to have weak moments but i’ve learned to be strong. many times i thought i had turned the corner, only to stumbled back in. today i can safely and assertively say i have found my way out of this gigantic hole, and i will only move forward in the direction i’ve always wanted to go but didn’t dare to go. i have a very good reason to smile as i’m leaving everything behind and starting my new episode fresh. i have found myself and i’ll be chasing whatever fulfills my heart