day 1724 Рsunrun package 

being handed my green bib and corporate team tech shirts today made it apparent that the sunrun is only days away. this will be my third time doing the biggest run in vancouver and first time in the green division. i had pretty high expectations for this run but i’m not sure what to expect after taking an ill-advised dive earlier this week. all i can do is tape up my knee and hope that i can finish like i had set out to do. all i’m asking for is to keep pushing as long as my tape job holds up my knee together 

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due time

from the beginning of the calendar year, i have taken stride after strides in terms of personal growth. as per usual, i set some goals for myself, some more bold than normal. what stands out is how my work performance has changed and how much my role in the company has evolved. i’m grateful to be one of the five that my manager has identified to take on the emerging leaders coaching program. my manager has offloaded a lot of things onto my plate; it’s stressful but i’m proving i can handle all that. each time i prove myself capable, i gain more trust. i welcome all the new and bigger responsibilities because that’s the direction i want to move towards. while majority has been moving in the positive, there are some that’s lagging behind. some things aren’t coming by as easily as i had drawn out, and that’s consumed a bit of frustration over the last little while. i haven’t been seeing the results i thought i would have, but i am to be blamed for i haven’t put enough effort into that aspect. i do feel my discipline has slipped so i’ll need to tighten up in that regard. i’ve done some self evaluation and i’m going to keep going because i’m a believer that it’s only a matter of time before i start achieving. i may appear to have it all down pat in other’s eyes, but to me, i set the bar high for myself and i’m far from where i want to be. being my harshest critic is who i usually am and that only means i have nowhere to go but up

deadened

so much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

day 1492 Рlow light 

change of plans and headed straight home because the low blood sugar hit me this afternoon. required a short nap and woke up feeling so so but still set on a trip to nash anyway. did not expect a whole lot so but nothing bad happened so i’d say i passed. trying to brush off the disappointments one after another, but at the end of the day i need to learn i’m living for myself and doing what’s best for me. maybe it’s good to learn to expect everything from myself and expect nothing from others

day 1375 – over it

these things inadvertently keep me up at night. it’s been in the back of my mind recently and today put me over the top. perhaps i’m emotionally tired from tylenoling myself for the three jammed ribs. one thing i’ve set on is giving up on expectations of certain things if the importance was never placed to begin with. i don’t feel the same and i’m frustrated, but at the same time indifferent because i’m not about to press for something that cannot be attained. i’ve learned it was never there for me and if it mattered it’d stick

day 1259 – moving in

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a change of seating arrangement gets me a corner table with more space and more privacy. i’m liking the switch and totally owing this space to make it my third home. the extra real estate come with greater responsibility, higher expectations and more workload as the manager has assigned me to a team and some projects. i’ve gotten so busy already because they’re pushing me out of the shallow end. that’s a good sign because i’m given the opportunity to climb the ladder faster

day 782 – quarterly

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just as i thought it is the same old quarterly event, things start to get interesting. unexpected circumstances arise with the stresses of putting together a solo performance on the spot. i suppose there were many things in my repertoire that i could use, but i didn’t want to think and just resorted to some stick knife self defense. another prime example of the always ready expectations put to the test, i can never get too comfortable with that phenomena