day 1409 – colours


i keep thinking what a bad week it’s been with stresses coming from both spectrum. however, it could have been so much worse. i know it’s never a smooth sail across any sea, this is just a bump in our trail. i contemplated so long before speaking, but i’m glad i did or else i would still be hiding all my emotions in the dark. i’m not sure what to think of it, but being able to speak is probably a good thing

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day 1391 – stat work

the office was as empty as the roads were during rush hour today. the office was quiet on a statutory holiday but the increased productivity was much needed for my friday deadline. feeling unrested and uneasy all week long because all i can think about is my teammates flying off to nationals; i should be with them, but i’m not. i’ve been using many things to numb my feelings and emotions until something can act as sleeping pills. work is one of them and i keep being my workaholic self to not allow myself any down time so i don’t end my night in tears

believe myself

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i told myself time after time that i wouldn’t spill because i shouldn’t let any negativity ruin my holiday mood, and then things happened again which really put me over the top. people never realize how much crap i take from others. i take them in like a sponge, but it never dissipates. i just bury my emotions deep inside so no one can see; hidden so well others forget i have feelings, so well sometimes i forget too. i brush it off like it doesn’t hurt but it does. i just wished people were a little more sensitive with their comments and actions.  my silence just means i chose to hold my thoughts in, but the feeling of disconnect and exclusion still exists. it hurts assumptions were made without understanding how hard i worked. those who haven’t seen me at my worst have no idea what i’ve gone through and what it was like to get here. don’t look down upon me and make presumptions that i’m not good enough. i’ve worked far too hard for anyone to tell me otherwise. i learned that even when i’m belittled, i’ll still believe in myself because i’ve proven i can stand alone. sometimes a little consideration goes a long way because never underestimate the power of the little things that make a big difference

 

self discovery

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it was more or less a self-wrecking week with so many internal and external forces pushing up against me. it was all a combination of stress from competition, school, work, people but none more so than myself. the road has not been easy as i have felt myself slowly dying inside but i didn’t want to confront and address it. it hurts to know that leakage of my stresses was stressing out others. no one has a clue what is going on in my head and it’s probably better kept that way. i’m disappointed at myself for not handling myself better and keeping my emotions a little tighter. the last thing i want is to be a burden to anyone and add unncessary flavour to anyone; i made up my mind that interacting less and speaking less will be helpful. i felt safe that way just to eliminate any chance of doing or saying the wrong things. sometimes i wonder why i need feelings when i’m better off without them. during this time, i spent some time reading quotes and looking for inspiration to get me through this stretch. i’m already at a point of self-destruction, there’s nowhere else to go but up. i know i’m strong enough to get through these ruts, and in case i’m not, i need to find a way to become stronger. i do believe i’ll find my way out and the better is on its way

day 1180 – snapped

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the day started off well and ended off well but i let my emotions get the best of me in the afternoon. i was stupid, but i’m human too; when bent too far, i too, will snap. i made up for it by having a solid training session led by the grandmaster himself; good thing i didn’t disappoint him. i’m discouraged with the load put upon me and pulling me from all directions, but i’m more discouraged that i didn’t handle myself better. somedays i’ll have feelings, somedays i won’t; but i’ve learned that i will be okay because something better is on its way

give and receive

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recently each and every day is a mighty struggle because i am trapped in a battle against myself and within myself. regardless of what i go through, i try not to let problems surface and definitely don’t allow my mood to fluctuate. i never want my troubles to affect others because i am a strong and independent girl that ought to take care myself and not cause others to worry. truth is, i’ve been really troubled lately and i just don’t know what to do with myself. there are nights when i sit alone thinking about everything i am, everything i am not, and then eventually emotions get the better of me. sometimes i am uncertain what purpose i serve in society and why my existence even matters?? what exactly sets my heart on fire and where my passion lies?? this is a routine i would go through day in and day out, but so far i’ve come out empty handed majority of the time. every now and then, i would feel my strength as a person has been decreasing with every self destructing battle i fight. then i think to myself that life gave me those challenges because i am strong enough to live it. knowing nothing comes overnight, i can only carry on and stay positive that something will come along as long as i keep going. this is only one of the few challenges i will encounter in my life, and i am set on defeating it

day 1043 – playground

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no better way to relieve myself of stress than to go back to my playground where the big kids play. this is the place i could hangout at no matter where life is at and a good place to be when i need to pick myself back up. people will make difference choices in life; this is mine. i had myself a good hump day workout, focusing on what i need to get done, like how it should be. winding down the night with a rare pig out late night dinner with mo