deadened

so much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

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day 1548 – hand specialist 


i know my way around the clinic the second time around and the same radiologist helped me take another batch of xrays. the bad news couldn’t get any worse each batch as the ones taken today shows my bone is now displaced and not in the right place. with that, the specialist decided surgery will take place tomorrow and i’ll be opened to do one of the two possible procedures. the news hit me hard, so stunned i wasn’t able to collect any of my emotions to react or think. the rest of the day was a blur because i felt completely empty inside with no feelings, no appetite, no motivation and none of anything. i beared all that burden alone as if i’ve always been alone from the start. i finally cried well into the evening and i’m glad i did; i found out at least i have emotions. i’m not scared of the procedure, but the thought of having something inserted in me makes me not me

day 1537 – air

perhaps i might be better off if i never even bothered waking up and getting out of bed after an uneasy night. i did a lot of thinking and reflecting in the past waking hours of why i have to suffer through what doesn’t even treat me right. so many questions in my head left unquestioned notably how i’m going to continue onward. realizing this is the time to figure out what everything means to me and what i’m worth to others. went through the day with no emotions and a big void inside. surprisingly didn’t even see a drop of tear; maybe my tears went dry, or maybe i learn to block out feelings as if i had none