sleepless on a sunday night does not bode well for monday morning. i needed a coffee first thing when i got into work. i couldn’t help but stay awake thinking and overthinking of all the things i may have to give up. i can’t stop myself from crying thinking my life as an athlete could come to an abrupt end. i hadn’t done all that i wanted to accomplish and i clearly hadn’t expected it to approach so soon. i can’t stand to open up and tell many of my injury status so keeping it to myself was my next best option
i was feeling pretty emo because i couldn’t go flip, couldn’t play hockey, couldn’t workout and couldn’t do anything sports related. i was suppose to go watch my team play their game, but i really couldn’t get myself to the rink just to sit on the sideline. missing all my games and trainings made me feel dead inside. i was bored so went ahead and modeled a dream unit with the picasso galleria floorplans. i really don’t have an entertaining life besides my sports and active lifestyle
forget about dodgeball, i’m watching sedin brother’s final home game ever. the game was simply amazing. it was an emotional night; i found myself feeling the sadness knowing it’s the last time i’ll get to watch them play in this jersey. their final career home game had a perfect ending, as one would have written the script. daniel potted two goals while henrik padded his assist stats on both. to add to their amazing stats, daniel holds all-time record with double digit overtime goals and henrik holds the all-time overtime assist record. one more game in their nhl career, and canucks career. i’m sure there’ll be just as much mixed emotional heading into that game. “don’t cry because it’s over, be happy that it happened.” they have certainly left a great legacy
after several weeks of being down, i’m still trying to come around to patch all my negative thoughts. during this period, i notice pessimism is still pretty high and emotionally weakened until patchwork is further along the way. thoughts still pour in when i see things unfold in front of me that i could only envy and wished that could be me. i don’t want to stay a negative person because it’s affecting me all around. the process is slow and somehow i’m still hesitant to speak as much
these things inadvertently keep me up at night. it’s been in the back of my mind recently and today put me over the top. perhaps i’m emotionally tired from tylenoling myself for the three jammed ribs. one thing i’ve set on is giving up on expectations of certain things if the importance was never placed to begin with. i don’t feel the same and i’m frustrated, but at the same time indifferent because i’m not about to press for something that cannot be attained. i’ve learned it was never there for me and if it mattered it’d stick
some days are better than other days, but lately many days i feel like i just can’t be good enough. i sit alone in the dark thinking about everything i could be and should be. it hurts to think that no matter what i do, i can never live up to my own expectations; no matter how hard i try, i don’t deserve it. time after time, there’s obstacles and setbacks in my path obstructing me from making my goals and dreams a reality. sometimes i think it’s better not to isolate myself because i will overthink without a doubt, but often i find myself opting to be alone because i don’t want others to see my tears. i know it’s a selfish act to shut off the world, but i don’t think others would appreciate the negativity and most would never understand where i am coming from anyway. i prefer to maintain that protective exterior shell instead of exposing what’s really within. ever since i started losing myself, the times i’ve had emotional outbreaks far exceeds the amount of occurrences i average in the past couple years. there are times like now when tears just uncontrollably roll down my face without reason, but it’s simply because i’ve been pretending to be strong in front of others for too long. i must admit i was stupid enough to let disturbing thoughts float around my mind, but i am tired of pretending; i can’t carry on so something must end – either it or me. i tried to cry myself to sleep hoping tomorrow will be the day i have a better idea of who i am and the purpose i serve. am i a nobody that only disappoints those who naively didn’t give up on me yet?? i am so frustrated at myself for not knowing how to be good enough. when will i figure it out and get back to my norm??
there were uncalled emotional moments which i couldn’t suppress. tears happened because i have been pretending to be strong for too long. i can count on him knowing he wants to be there during my worst and toughest moments. it has been very tough lately, but i know it’s much easier to weather the storm together. happy for the passing of another month; keeping it strong and keeping it real throughout