after several weeks of being down, i’m still trying to come around to patch all my negative thoughts. during this period, i notice pessimism is still pretty high and emotionally weakened until patchwork is further along the way. thoughts still pour in when i see things unfold in front of me that i could only envy and wished that could be me. i don’t want to stay a negative person because it’s affecting me all around. the process is slow and somehow i’m still hesitant to speak as much
these things inadvertently keep me up at night. it’s been in the back of my mind recently and today put me over the top. perhaps i’m emotionally tired from tylenoling myself for the three jammed ribs. one thing i’ve set on is giving up on expectations of certain things if the importance was never placed to begin with. i don’t feel the same and i’m frustrated, but at the same time indifferent because i’m not about to press for something that cannot be attained. i’ve learned it was never there for me and if it mattered it’d stick
some days are better than other days, but lately many days i feel like i just can’t be good enough. i sit alone in the dark thinking about everything i could be and should be. it hurts to think that no matter what i do, i can never live up to my own expectations; no matter how hard i try, i don’t deserve it. time after time, there’s obstacles and setbacks in my path obstructing me from making my goals and dreams a reality. sometimes i think it’s better not to isolate myself because i will overthink without a doubt, but often i find myself opting to be alone because i don’t want others to see my tears. i know it’s a selfish act to shut off the world, but i don’t think others would appreciate the negativity and most would never understand where i am coming from anyway. i prefer to maintain that protective exterior shell instead of exposing what’s really within. ever since i started losing myself, the times i’ve had emotional outbreaks far exceeds the amount of occurrences i average in the past couple years. there are times like now when tears just uncontrollably roll down my face without reason, but it’s simply because i’ve been pretending to be strong in front of others for too long. i must admit i was stupid enough to let disturbing thoughts float around my mind, but i am tired of pretending; i can’t carry on so something must end – either it or me. i tried to cry myself to sleep hoping tomorrow will be the day i have a better idea of who i am and the purpose i serve. am i a nobody that only disappoints those who naively didn’t give up on me yet?? i am so frustrated at myself for not knowing how to be good enough. when will i figure it out and get back to my norm??
there were uncalled emotional moments which i couldn’t suppress. tears happened because i have been pretending to be strong for too long. i can count on him knowing he wants to be there during my worst and toughest moments. it has been very tough lately, but i know it’s much easier to weather the storm together. happy for the passing of another month; keeping it strong and keeping it real throughout
it’s just like any other night hanging out high above the ground, except not. it’s just the same old me climbing on all inanimate objects, except different. it’s just one of those nights i wasn’t feeling like me and did a few unexpected things out of my norm. i have held it long enough and i knew it was only a matter of time before i blew. i don’t know if i made the right decision, but i made one and will stick by it
today is mainly a transit day with bus rides and plane rides. on my way to japan, but first, a short layover in taiwan. i managed to squeeze in short face time chats at the airport. i landed in osaka slightly past 7:30pm and didn’t get to my b&b until well past 9:30pm so my japan adventures will begin tomorrow
this concludes the hong kong portion of my trip. i had an enjoyable time getting to see all the family in my birth place. i can’t complain about the scheduling because i was able to fit in all the friends i wanted to catch up with. it’s always hard to say goodbye, especially to my ageing grandmas. although i don’t get to physically spend time with my grandparents, we do make frequent calls to keep in touch
i had one of those emotional day last night where i wasn’t quite my composed self. i really shouldn’t have mentioned it to mo because it makes no sense for him to worry about me halfway across the globe. i think i gave him a scare but i’m much more relieved and lighter after talking it over with mo