day 2376 – not deserving

i felt like crap after training because i simply couldn’t replicate and connect my cartwheel with anything going backwards. i wanted help but no chance because he’s too focused helping one person. left the gym disappointed beating myself up. i didn’t deserve to eat so i went straight home so i wouldn’t tear up in front of people. whenever i don’t do what i need to, i would punish myself with no food because eating needs to be earned

day 893 – tough decision

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alone late at night thinking long and hard about my decision. truly thankful for all the supportive feedback i’ve received from the people i’ve spoken with on this topic; it made this tough stretch a little less painful. i think i have made my final decision to pass up what i’ve been dreaming of the past half a year – a chance at us open. perhaps having this decision made will end all those nights of waking up at 4am feeling extremely stressed. i’m no doubt disappointed i chose to back out of this opportunity but i feel it’s the right decision at this point. i feel terrible for all those that put their time and energy into getting me ready for this event, i feel bad i couldn’t make it happen. maybe it’s a sign i need to work harder on both my mental and physical game to earn my ticket to a competition as grand as us open. i haven’t given up my competition dreams, it just means i get a head start to preparing and training for the future ones. next up: nationals

day 676 – belt stitching

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my new belt came in today nice and stiff. it’s not much different than my previous belt, just a little darker shade of black than my worn one with a nice tint of faded black. it will still take some time to break into and get used to it and i must admit i do miss the feeling of my second dan belt. this is the beginning of another stage with lots of learning and growing to be done before i can say its fully earned. i will stay humble and continue to learn and train even harder

day 668 – shaved ice

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i never knew this place existed even though i unknowingly pass by it all the time. i heard the calling for late night dessert on saturday night at ice pik after a long brisk walk to earn extra calorie intake. trying some green tea shaved ice with mochi balls, grass jelly, lychee, mango bits all mixed together in a paper bowl. so glad this was shared between two cause it’s very filling and not exactly calorie friendly

day 380 – ice cream anytime

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It’s 2am ice cream at mcdonald’s after a physically challenging taekwondo class doing physical training with an outright sore body. icecream is meant to be eaten anytime of the day. feeling cold as i am eating away, not sure if it’s because of the cone or the fact it’s past 2am. it’s good that these places are open this late when one is needing some “fast food”. i should probably write down how many calories this cone is but there’s no way of finding out. i should try that loaded poutine although it’s probably 700 calories, its okay as long as i earn it