my many doubts

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i have been troubled and drowning in my own thoughts which has me staying up late and thinking a lot lately. over the years, taekwondo has given me a lot to look forward to and a lot to be proud of, but that’s not to say it hasn’t given all sorts of pressure and stress. one could say competition has given me a sense of belonging, because it’s also where i found out that i too, could succeed. it’s taken my next to zero confidence and upping that to a level of being confident enough to step out on the mats alone and get things done. somehow, i feel competing is not what it used to be for me. i always felt the pressure leading up to each competition, but never have i felt it so intensely that i’ve become super stressed out and almost numb. is it a sign that i’m not doing it as a passion? is there such thing as a “martial arts block” like a “writer’s block”? sometimes i can’t differentiate if i am fulfilling my job to compete just because i’ve been doing so all along. i’m unsure whether it’s expected of me, or if it’s a self chosen decision. what makes this one different than the ones in the past that gives me so much more undue stress? a lot to be honest. first of all, i’m no longer under the coaches i’m used to, but directly under the watchful eyes of the grandmaster. second, my parents play a big factor. they seemingly have no expectations for my competition game because they have doubted me from the first day i took on taekwondo, but somehow still appears to have so much expectation. they never expected me to get anywhere close to blackbelt and even sought every opportunity to pry me away from the sport. the results at nationals really isn’t my focal point nor the reason i go to nationals. it wasn’t in the past, and this year’s isn’t any different. competing at such a high level is definitely a privilege i don’t take lightly. it’s an eye opener that’s all about the experience and through that i’ve gained so much more. i hope the grandmaster and others see it in the same light, but sometimes i am afraid of those who put a lot more weight in results and standings. i hate not living up to expectations and i hate letting people down; maybe i’ve done it way too much in the past. luckily, i am still able to find bright spots of supportive casts to put everything into perspective and make sure i keep going strong. they let me know that as long as i do everything within my powers and give it everything i got, i should have no regrets. so bottom line is – stop self doubting and stop second guessing, just get my shit together, work my ass off and let the rest play itself out

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day 915 – stacking it up

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having a little faith in my ability and putting it to the test on unpadded surface. stacking up to seven plates on this night and successfully making it to the top unscathed. first attempt and first success is always deserving of a victory pose and casual step off. the first jump is always the hardest not because of the physical hurdle, but the mental one. not bad when i’m still nursing those messed up shins, but that hardly stops me much. i’ll be aiming higher next time and each time after that

day 836 – no better feeling

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continuing my obligatory blenz matcha remedy after physio appointments because each visit usually entails a long list of exercises and much pain inflicted. today’s appointment went extremely well, probably one of the best i have had in years. i cannot express how ecstatic i felt when physio told me my knee is recovering well, no misalignments and everything is holding up nicely with the exception of some minor spasms and tightness. i had a good feeling about this because i have been feeling great prior to the appointment and this just confirms it. it’s funny how many take what i have been longing for as a given, but for me, being pain free is a rarity and means the world to me

resolution series: [five] follow your dreams

imagethere comes a time when self doubts and uncertainties creep into your mind and you wonder if what you are doing is the best thing. unlike math, there is no formula in life that calculates and spits out values or absolute answers of what is the best for you. as long as you do what your heart desires, it is the right thing to do. i feel like the last little while my life has been a roller coaster ride, sometimes soaring sky high and other times simply free falling. recently, i have been in limbo whether i have lost track of what i am doing and if that is still where my interest lies. i don’t want to be endlessly chasing something just because someone said i have to or just doing it for the sake of doing it. been putting a lot of thought into finding all the answers to what i really value, what i want to achieve in life, what i want to be known for, what legacy i want to leave behind and ultimately what path i want to take. i have gotten answers in some aspects, but i still have much to figure out. i understand these money answers will not come overnight because no one will ever have it crystal clear in its entirety and it is something one will take a lifetime to find out. john lennon once said, “everything will be okay. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” as long as i am progressing, i will let everything come to me and take it one step at a time, one answer at a time. stay true to yourself and don’t be afraid to follow your heart, follow your dreams. it also happens to be my motto i live by

王梓軒 – RUN

this song depicts exactly what my mind and body frequently goes through. wanting something so bad and putting in the work but often not feeling any progress is made. all the setbacks to overcome and awful feeling when i physical, emotionally and pscyhologically fall apart, but it is worth every ounce of sweat when i get past the struggles to see the day i climb to the mountain top. many thanks for pushing me when i lose motivation, guiding me when i stray off track, and putting me back together when i fall apart; i won’t stop until i reach what used to be a dream become reality

reality in the making

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ever had those dreams where when you wake up you don’t recall much of what happened or only recall fragmented pieces that doesn’t link up?? those temporary dreams that don’t make a lasting impression are not of my concern. when a dream worth achieving, it is a dream worth working for. a timely post to remind myself about discipline and self control because i have been doing poorly in that regard as of late. i guess that’s what separates dreams from reality and the mediocres and the good. thanks for always nudging me back on track when i start straying, reminding me the importance of the game plan and forever pushing me to do better. although sometimes it’s pretty brutal the way you put it, and you make me feel a little more useless than i need to. it is that guilt trip that lets me know i am not doing it right, that i can always do better. it takes a lot of commitment to make a dream into reality but once i put my mind to it, its reality in the making

day 204 – special moments

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in midst of the hype at canada open and us open back to back weeks, here’s a throwback to our first experience of national stage at the canadian nationals 2013. a journey filled with hard work, setbacks, injuries, sweat, hate but most importantly the memories, love and team bonding time we shared. an experience so fulfilling we are set on training towards representing the pride of team bc one more time