day 1761 – bmw museum

parents have landed on vancouver ground and are back home after their europe tour. my mom complained there was nothing good to eat in europe; i can imagine how much her asian taste buds missed asian food. they brought back many things including magnets, clothes, shoes, liquor chocolate and car exhibit items. they remembered to bring back a model z4 for me to bridge the gap while i currently can’t afford my dream car yet. i guess i can still have my z4 model to dream about. the model-sized z4 will turn into the real deal one day

day 1015 – calgary bound

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the day has come for us to fly out to calgary, but can’t leave without a swagger. repping team bc poomsae at nationals is always something special. i don’t know what to expect and there’s no shame to say there’s fear and uncertainties in my mind. i know i must go out to these competitions because each one is an opportunity to gain more experience and broaden my taekwondo circle. regardless of the results, let’s make it a fun and worthwhile trip

day 981 – news worthy

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it’s a pleasant surprise our results made it onto the local newspaper. so proud of my students and their achievements. this justifies that all the time i invested in them while trying to train myself simultaneously was worth the stress. they all practiced very hard for this event and i’ve watched each and every one of them improve before my eyes. it’s a great reminder for myself as to why i love coaching and why i am still involved in taekwondo. i hope they continue to work hard so i can eventually coach them to the national stage during my time

my many doubts

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i have been troubled and drowning in my own thoughts which has me staying up late and thinking a lot lately. over the years, taekwondo has given me a lot to look forward to and a lot to be proud of, but that’s not to say it hasn’t given all sorts of pressure and stress. one could say competition has given me a sense of belonging, because it’s also where i found out that i too, could succeed. it’s taken my next to zero confidence and upping that to a level of being confident enough to step out on the mats alone and get things done. somehow, i feel competing is not what it used to be for me. i always felt the pressure leading up to each competition, but never have i felt it so intensely that i’ve become super stressed out and almost numb. is it a sign that i’m not doing it as a passion? is there such thing as a “martial arts block” like a “writer’s block”? sometimes i can’t differentiate if i am fulfilling my job to compete just because i’ve been doing so all along. i’m unsure whether it’s expected of me, or if it’s a self chosen decision. what makes this one different than the ones in the past that gives me so much more undue stress? a lot to be honest. first of all, i’m no longer under the coaches i’m used to, but directly under the watchful eyes of the grandmaster. second, my parents play a big factor. they seemingly have no expectations for my competition game because they have doubted me from the first day i took on taekwondo, but somehow still appears to have so much expectation. they never expected me to get anywhere close to blackbelt and even sought every opportunity to pry me away from the sport. the results at nationals really isn’t my focal point nor the reason i go to nationals. it wasn’t in the past, and this year’s isn’t any different. competing at such a high level is definitely a privilege i don’t take lightly. it’s an eye opener that’s all about the experience and through that i’ve gained so much more. i hope the grandmaster and others see it in the same light, but sometimes i am afraid of those who put a lot more weight in results and standings. i hate not living up to expectations and i hate letting people down; maybe i’ve done it way too much in the past. luckily, i am still able to find bright spots of supportive casts to put everything into perspective and make sure i keep going strong. they let me know that as long as i do everything within my powers and give it everything i got, i should have no regrets. so bottom line is – stop self doubting and stop second guessing, just get my shit together, work my ass off and let the rest play itself out

self satisfaction

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this post took far too long to write even though i knew exactly what i was thinking deep down. i’ve been reluctant partially because i didn’t know how to word it so not to come on too strong. i had a strong sense that the tide has been swaying and that certain things started to change as of late. i was beyond stressed and frustrated but sometimes i can’t differentiate whether the frustration was directed at myself or others. i’ve always been a big believer that if i believe in what i am doing, don’t let anything stop me. i have some big dreams and goals to reach and if i want to give myself the best chance, now is really the time to gear down to make it happen. some are baffled why i make the many sacrifices i do just to reach a dream that may seemingly be meaningless to them. of course i don’t expect many to agree with all the commitment and sacrifices, and some may never ever understand. only a selected few will understand what i am going through and support what i am aiming for. one being those with bottomless aspirations and endless beliefs. the other being those who have been to big stages alike. life of a competitive athlete is not easy as it requires many forms of sacrifices, determination and commitment. because of what is at stake, we must prioritize properly, be it skipping out on events, running on tight schedules, operating with little rest, or passing up on booze. i am spread very thin with a packed schedule, but believe me i’m trying my best to balance it all. my road isn’t a smooth walk in the park by all means because i have chosen a road less taken. i’d be most gratified to have my trusted peers in my journey as long as its free of judgement and negativity. in the meantime, i will keep pushing forward as long as i know what i am working towards, what it means to me and ultimately what makes me happy

down to business

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checking in a month into the new year. it’s time to set my february goals straight, but before i do that, a quick reflection on january. i didn’t do terribly bad for january goals but i really should have done better. a rough month it was, suffering with uncertainties and going through with tough decisions. it’s safe to say the stresses got the better of me in the latter half of the month but enough of letting my emotions get the best of me. moving right along because what’s passed is past so not going to dwell on it. february is a short month, but doesn’t mean i ease up when it comes to goal setting. in fact, it’s the exact opposite of that cause i have some hefty goals awaiting with lots of gains to be made. this only means it gives me very little room for deviation as i stomp on the gas pedal and run full steam ahead. it’s all about knowing what’s important to me, setting my priorities straight, sticking to the game plan and staying the course. i’m feeling oddly motivated to get my shit together for february and do what needs to be done. it’s about time i learn to clean up my act and learn a little something about accountability. all i am just asking of myself is to give it my all and be the best i can be. for once, be able to live up to expectations and turn some doubters’ head while doing so. i’m going to be one ambitious chick looking to score big this month and nothing can stop me now

stumbling

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i can’t be certain if my mind and my heart will still be in one piece come end of this month. there were so many times this month when i sat alone in the dark wanting to cry, wanting to run myself through the wall, wanting to pull my hair out and wanting to quit everything. but then, when i think about it again, what good with that do?? would it solve all the problems and frustrations i have at hand?? before i did anything careless, i managed to step back to gather myself and viewed things from a broader angle. stumbling is part of life, falling down is a must because that’s when you learn what you are made of. i’m sure all the greats have fallen at some point in the lifetime but somehow they managed to get to where they are now. i know i had to make some big and extremely tough decisions lately, but i made them and will be able to live with it for the rest of my life. there’s a lot of things in my life worth striving for, a lot to look forward to in the future. i shouldn’t let one or two or a few setbacks dictate and ruin my life. i promised myself i would only give myself a week to dwell and regroup, but after that, i will once again find the determination to move closer to my dreams and goals