day 2171 – late comer

i arrived extremely late for civil war and it was almost like a gear up speed test to get onto the ice in time for the second shift. i was close to not going to hockey at all because i had been tied up with taekwondo, tired from an extra long shift of teaching and just tired in general. somehow, i got convinced and pressured to show up; i guess better late than never. i had to book it home after our ice time because i’m expecting to wake up at 6am tomorrow

deadened

img_20200203_1459105415671469236591238.jpgso much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

day 1293 – seminar sequel

it was a good two day seminar held by grandmaster lee. i learned a lot of theory and technical things i wouldn’t otherwise have in regular classes. with his in depth explanation and new found knowledge, i now see poomsae in a different light. while i spend my three-day long weekend at taekwondo, i never got any restful time off. my mind wants to sleep but leg cramps are preventing me from sleeping. calling it an early day to get take on another week head on

day 1170 – tired brain

img_20200204_2142407671572915140285805.jpgsome thoughts are really getting to me lately. it bugs me, but speaking my heart is hard. maybe i am just faulty or maybe i just need to suck it up and accept not being accepted. i try to not let these thoughts get in my head, but it’s only human. the storm is coming and i’m not looking forward to going outside; perhaps once this rainstorm is over, it’ll be over for me too

day 1004 – winding down

image

glad i made it through a crazy long saturday and able to sit and wind down at the end of the day. woke up early and got my day going with a strong morning gym session and ended the day nicely with mellow night out and quality down time. sandwiched in the between was a mediocre afternoon; teaching was draining and training felt pretty unproductive because my hamstrings are feeling miserable

day 779 – when and where

image

when is it my turn to take a real vacation to get away from this hectic life?? i have taken time off, i have flown and driven and gone across canada, but none of which was purely for vacation because i held competition obligations. i am drained, overworked and am in dire need of a vacation where i can just relax and get away from stresses of life no matter how big or small. there’s too many places, cities and countries on my wishlist; when and where will i be able to fulfill them??

resolution series: [twentyseven] tour

image

those of the previous generations often say travel when you are young because you have the freedom of time and the luxury of energy to do so. but incoveniently, it is also the time when you haven’t got your money issues all figured out so every penny counts. but once u get past the livelihood stage, it’s time to settle down and form a family. the increased responsibilities will in turn make you feel tied down, not to mention increased expenses of all your dependents. and then when you wait another two decades to establish yourself in the work force, you haven’t got the energy to do the traveling you have always imagined. my conclusion is there’s no best time to travel because there’s give and takes at every stage in life, all you can is follow your gut feeling and travel when your heart desires. can’t say i have been to many places, but can’t say that i haven’t been to many places either. i have definitely been well travelled within north america, but have not set foot in europe or south america. there is so many fascinating cities waiting for me, i have to go out there and see the world for myself. i could definitely use some time off now because i am currently physically, mentally and psychologically drained and stressed out in every dimension

day 662 – third dan status

image

it was a uber long test, but i made it. from the moment the test began to the end of the test, i don’t believe i had a chance to sit down. i was up testing and doing my stuff from the very start while the grandmaster and many of the instructors and students watched. taking all components of the test in one go is a massive undertaking, but i knew that i wouldn’t have done it any other way. there were things that i should have and could have done better; but i can live my performance given the preparation time i had prior to this test and being fully exhausted with the amount of things i performed while having little rest throughout. i was beyond drained and overworked when the promotion test was all wrapped up. i am truly grateful to all those instructors who got me to where i am and made it all possible. could never have imagined how far i would go when i first started this journey. i am officially a third dan blackbelt!!

day 505 – drained

image

feeling awfully drained and really needing a break. no doubt i knew there would come a time when my mind and body will not allow me to continue with the kind of schedule i run on. its been wearing down on me for over half a year and now my mind is ready to go on strike. i wake up everyday feeling crappy and even more so exhausted knowing the things i have to get through day after day. all i want to do is shut off the world and finish what i have to do. it’s christmas season and all i am too drained to even enjoy it. i try to hide all that stress and pretend everything is okay because i don’t want to put it upon anyone else but somehow it’s showing through my shell. i need a break, i know its not time yet, but i know it’s coming in a couple more weeks