day 2415 – phone spam

waited well after class until all other classes and students dissipated so we could have some space and equipment to work with. during the wait, we had fun trying out the vlogger life by spamming photos and videos on someone’s unattended phone. sadly neither my back tuck nor any of my kicks felt good today. i did get a chance at the very end to work on my webster and aerial takeoff. i’m still ashamed i don’t get it and i can’t tell if i’m making progress with it

day 2376 – not deserving

i felt like crap after training because i simply couldn’t replicate and connect my cartwheel with anything going backwards. i wanted help but no chance because he’s too focused helping one person. left the gym disappointed beating myself up. i didn’t deserve to eat so i went straight home so i wouldn’t tear up in front of people. whenever i don’t do what i need to, i would punish myself with no food because eating needs to be earned

day 2451 – snowy disappointment

the forecast was correct as snow fell overnight. it wasn’t a whole lot, so i could still drive my mom’s car to work. i was hit with a bunch of disappointment at flipping tonight. what i felt in december came back again – i felt like i wasn’t getting the same support and learning opportunity. i’m pretty frustrated i’m not getting what i need to make progress. all i ever hear is i’m making progress, i’m missing technique; but i’m not getting any support or guidance as to how to fix that technique or what it is i need to do to get there. it’s the neglect and the constant empty promises that’s really getting to me. maybe my initial gut feeling was correct and i should pack it in because no one believes i can land anything anymore

day 2324 – reasons to quit

rough day doing flips today made me think of a lot of things that wasn’t suppose to cross my mind. i get the feeling others have already written me off and that i’ll no longer be able to land anything anymore. it’s unfair to be left hanging and it’s the main reason i’m considering quitting. i’m not a person that can settle with no foreseeable goals. in my mind, i’m thinking if i don’t land a new move either webster, butterfly twist, flash or flash gainer before the end of this year, i’m going to call it quits. maybe it’s better for everyone anyway so i’m not given false hope that i can be any good

day 2318 – cloudkicks battle

i can’t say i’m not disappointed i cannot participate in any of the cloudkicks events and workshops this weekend. a rough november full of injuries and accidents didn’t leave much hope for me to train or participate in anything. the least i could do is to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else have fun. it’s was a treat to watch all the crazy tricks and battles happen before my very eyes. hopefully next year this time, i’ll have some improved body parts to work with

day 2271 – out of reach

i once wrote this list of things i wanted to drill and moves that i want to have. it was something i needed to keep myself accountable while chasing these moves, but none of this is happening and not sure if i’ll ever be able to get back to drilling anything. honest to god, it’s really wearing on me and some days i cry myself to sleep knowing i may never be able to achieve any of these goals. i’m going to put up a fight, knowing so

day 2243 – new ubc

its my first day off for the compressed work schedule. i haven’t been back to ubc in years; the campus seemed so familiar yet unfamiliar. lots changed since my graduation but memories will stay forever. the appointment i waited to get with the sports medicine doctor since march was a disappointment and a total waste of my time. he delivered the worst news i could possibly get by telling there’s nothing he could do if now. he followed that up by saying had he seen me right after the injury, he would have suggested putting it in a boot to help the recovery. i was outraged when i heard that because i had been on the stupid waitlist for six months