short of expectation

i’ve been really down, stressed and frustrated as of late. there were multiple times when i just couldn’t keep it together inside. i feel the frustration has been eating me alive so i decided to open up part of my story

all my life, i’ve been an underachiever, always falling short of everyone’s expectations. i can’t remember the last time i felt like i succeeded and made someone proud

in highschool, i was always living in the shadow of my brother who would get ninety nine percent in math. as an asian kid, getting an A in math was never enough. i rewrote my provincial because it was not an A of respectable calibre. i get it, i’m nowhere near smart; i don’t get straight A’s like most asian parents wish for. i graduated and went straight into post secondary as expected. in university, my path was basically chosen for me based on process of elimination of what my parents didn’t want me to be. they got it all mapped out for me – i applied for environment design program, an honors program meant for architecture. i graduated from that and was expected to be an architect, but i failed to get into the masters program which accepts forty eight students out of the four hundred odd applicants

growing up, sports was something i loved dearly and what came to me naturally. i excelled in swimming, so much that two instructors granted me to skip two levels. i went on to take all lifeguarding courses before i had to wait until i was sixteen. i didn’t pick it back up when i turned sixteen which made my parents outraged. i went on to hear about it for the next six years. my parents enrolled me in skating and i did well to skip the ‘red’ level which was the first level. i didn’t enjoy skating much so i never continued onto figure skating. i was on the tennis court as a ball girl ever since i could remember. soon after, my parents enrolled me into lessons at indoor tennis facility where i played a few tournaments. at the crossroad where players started specializing and turning pro, my parents asked if i wanted a coach. i turned it down because i didn’t think i could be one in a million that turns into a tennis star. i also played basketball starting in elementary school, but my parents forbid me to join any school teams. i finally convinced them to let me in highschool and made team from grade eight to ten. however, it came to an abrupt halt after three severe ankle sprains had me on crutches and one major career-ending knee injury. my doctor did not allow me to take PE in grade eleven. i worked hard at physio and was cleared for PE twelve and tennis team, but still not the basketball team

taekwondo had it’s ups and downs but it did shine at some point. i started as a white belt thinking i’d have some fun one summer. one summer became many summers. in the early stages as a yellow-green belt, i would half-ass thinking matching the green belts’ levels was adequate. it turns out it wasn’t; my instructor wasn’t having any of that and lectured me on how it was unacceptable to not use my full potential. that next promotion test, i was the second student in school history to skip a belt level. i started competing and that changed everything. i became an instructor, a coach and eventually the branch head instructor. though there’s glory, there’s also a lot of burden and stress behind the scenes. from white to black, there’s been many bumps and bruises, breaking my foot three times enroute to my third dan today. i carry a lot weight being in the position i am in today and i feel no matter how much i put in, it is never enough. being in the position that i am, i feel obligated to continue onto my fourth. if i don’t grow, how will my students grow? how will i keep my dreams alive?

tricking is something i picked up partially because i have the aspirations to compete again, but also because i liked it. though i’m neither talented nor daring enough like some others, i still try to do what i can. i have moves i need in order to have any hopes of competing again, along with a list of tricks i want to learn just for the sake of it, but progress has been slowed by my foot and the various injuries i often have. i tried to stay patient all this time, but my patience has a limit and i’m afraid it’s running low. i’ve been extremely frustrated recently because i still have to hold off on things i really need and time is ticking. little do people know, i often beat myself up when i don’t get something that is seemingly so easy for somebody else. i know i’m not a natural at this, but i’m hoping my hard work pays off. until i know the severity of my foot injury, i’ll still be pushing hard – even if it means being on one foot. i’m no stranger to pushing the limits and disobeying commands, pushing and playing through all sorts of injuries is something i’m known for and that likely won’t change. my physio, chiro and kinesiologist knows me well enough that very little will stop me

i started lifting weights for rehab purposes, but soon grew to love it as something that compliments my sports and enhances my performance. i picked up olympic lifting four years ago only because i saw a trainer working out and thought it looked cool. for a couple years, i would always stay within my comfort zone just enough for maintenance. for that reason, i plateaued lifting the same amount of weight and wasn’t making the weight my kinesiologist expected. i remember disappointing him every time he checked on the weight i pushed, be it squats, deadlifts, bench, rows, pullups. it wasn’t until the beginning of this year i got serious about it and started an olympic lifting program to improve my technique. through the program, my technique improved significantly and my strength really took off. only recently, i made a couple personal bests, but even those numbers are not quite the numbers that’s expected out of me. if i can one day exceed any of those expectations, i wouldn’t rule out a future competition

it’s really been a lot of back and forth with constant struggles. i know for a fact that my mom is disappointed i have yet to settle for someone. i’m disappointing them because it seems like i have no urgency to get into another relationship after being removed from one. maybe the previous brought bad experiences and many disappointments and the last thing i want is to get into one that will not make me happy. coming as a joke or not, it bothers me every time i’m being badgered or questioned about my choice; i’m more than positive of my answer and i need not to prove it to anyone. i can only apologize for the disappointment that it hasn’t happened yet, all i know is it’ll happen when the time is right and i meet the man of my dreams

my life has been far from a walk in the park and it’s been a rough stretch that’s consumed more of me than it should have. lately, it strikes me that i have more often than not fallen short of expectations. i’ve failed many people that had any hopes for me and i’m deeply saddened to have failed in so many regards. it seems i can’t ace any test given to me, but i can only promise i’ll keep trying. i know for a fact i’m not a person that settles for any less than what i want. in the meantime i’m just trying to keep it together

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day 2098 – shaky

i’m not going to lie. i feeling pretty depleted after today’s workout session. for the first time at apex, i failed to hit my pre-programmed weights. i missed a number of snatches and fell short of the weight i was suppose to lift for both my snatches and front squats. i’m not going to lie, i saw the weights set in my program and immediately felt intimidated. of the missed snatches, i didn’t give the effort to fight for the hold. though i was three pounds short of my one forty five squats, i’m still pretty excited to have a small increase from last week

day 2030 – coffee run

doing an afternoon zero waste starbucks coffee run with the girls. i need the caffeine to keep my awake, but it’s also making my headache worse. still went to flipping afterwards and both my kicks and flips were on point. another disappointment and another day missed on landing my roundoff back tuck. given that my roundoff was better than ever before, i thought i’d land it today and my coaches did too. the hopes of doing so slowly slipped way from me and i started to get discouraged. disappointed i came short again and will have to wait for next time

day 1551 – atp basel 

in the wake of a heart breaking day that made me think the unsaid disappointment was the final deal breaker i’d allow for. i should really be getting more sleep during my recovery period, but waking up early for tennis is well worth it when it’s a federer match. he’s truly amazing to watch as he pulled through for an impressive eighth title at basel. i am also hoping to save up enough money soon enough to watch him play in person one day. i already missed out the opportunity to watch andy roddick live, i really don’t want to miss a second chance

deadened

so much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

day 1529 – shattered thumb 

a blocked shot did all the damage. took it directly off my thumb and immediately knew it was broken but kept playing since no one was on site to confirm that. i couldn’t put my bottom hand on the stick, but i played on and eventually put one into the net. although netting the goal should not be my main focus now, it was definitely the saving grace of the game ending injury. i tend to downplay the pain hoping the injury isn’t as bad as it feels. two hospitals and four hours later, the hand specialist decided i can have a splint without immediate surgery. the night ended in a few disappointment, the length of time i’ll be out, and care and support that was present

day 1494 – eagles bluffing

speeding through eagle bluffs and shaving an hour off the average hiker time – not bad for the first hike of this summer. the first twenty minutes was the hardest, but having gotten past that is a chance to stand on this rock to look out from a vantage point. it’s good to get out to keep our annual outdoor adventure alive. the hike was good, the view was great, the legs are satisfyingly tired but still feeling unjustified. the damage of what’s said can’t be undone. it’s not the first time upsetting things have been said, but every time the disappointment hurts just as much