day 2296 – missing me

this is an extreme pessimism post because i’ve seriously had enough everything. there’s so much i miss about this. i miss being able to move without so much pain and limitations. i miss being the fittest, strongest and best shape of my life. i miss doing backflips, kicks and flips at will. i miss playing hockey and dodgeball with all my teammates. i miss the soreness that came after every lifting and training session. i miss being able to jump and climb onto anything i wanted to. i miss the summer sunshine and being outdoors until night. i miss doing everything i can’t do at the moment

day 2268 – sky fallen

it feels like the world just crashed on me. i wish my first instinct was incorrect, but i’m pretty certain i’ve just torn my other retinaculum during the battle. it was a bad judgment on my part – i shouldn’t have tried to sync the cartwheel back tuck and should just went for it on my own. now my everything is in jeopardy and i can’t help by think that my hopes and dreams of competing or even tricking in general could all be over. it hurts thinking not even reconstructive surgery can be a solution and all i can do is keep waiting and hope there’s a chance it will heal itself to a usable state. no one truly understands the physical pain i’m going through at the moment, and definitely don’t understand how much this hinders me in all the things i do and love doing. i just know i’m not ready to say goodbye to any of those things

shaping 2018

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2017 was challenging that staggered between many emotions, some happy, some successful, some difficult, some burdensome and some heartbreaking moments. i was struck by my most depressing moments that resulted in bottling up emotions where self destruction happened. underneath the outer shell, was three hundred and sixty five days of constant battle that left many unseen scars. after this three hundred sixty five day battle, i came to realize i had ample growth: grew stronger, became braver, gained experience and expanded my knowledge. the struggles gave me a different perspective in life, the achievements gave me hope to to continue to climb. life is a journey defined by how well one copes after being knocked down. looking forward into the next twelve months, i’ll regroup and pull myself together to find my strong. i’m a fighter and won’t stop short of reaching my goal. as long as i stay strong, keep grinding and never settle for less than my full potential. life is about betterment and i’m committed to being the strongest version of myself

the latter part of 2017 wasn’t the best of days and was a true test of patience. the long drought, the fluctuating health, the seesawing emotions were all big obstacles, but i made sure all loose ends were closed. waving 2017 goodbye knowing 2018 has much more for me in store

  • get back healthy and stay as injury-free as possible
  • consistent training and eating with proper sleep
  • step up my game and take it to the next level
  • setting my priorities and boundaries
  • love myself for who i am, love my family, love my friends
  • stay focused towards advancement
  • attain more designations
  • save up for the numbers game
  • explore and travel the world
  • devote more time on what sets my heart on fire
  • step out of my comfort zone and expand my horizon
  • acknowledge being a workaholic but appreciate the little things

i’m ready to start 2018 off strong and be the stubborn goal digger that i am. just remember the best has yet to come

beyoncé – if i were a boy

it makes me sad listening to this, but it also resembles the current. a lot goes to show that i’ve been taken for granted. it’s true that a guy will never understand what damages they make with a little mistake. once done it can’t be undone, once not done it cannot be made up for. i’ve lost all hope in making this a meaningful relationship if i can’t feel any care or support. i can’t make you better and i don’t want to change a person, but i have an option to move on. this really is the last of it and maybe one day, it’ll finally click

day 1530 – one for mom

celebrated mom’s birthday before parents head to the airport for yet another trip to hong kong. in front of them, i act like there’s no pain and everything is okay even though deep down it’s a completely different story. upon seeing them off, i closed the front door and tears immediately began to roll down my eyes. i couldn’t stop the down pour; the only way to dull my heart break way was to lay in bed. it hurts in every way and hard to accept that my life has changed drastically. i’m tired from all this i don’t know how i will handle this change to being practically disabled

day 1452 – downfall

someone said when you’re at the bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up – i don’t think so. in one of my worst and weakest state yet, i still find ways to fall further. i am truly disappointed and disheartened to the point where my heart turned stone cold as tears rolled down. i sense that i’m nearing the brink and any disloyalty would cause more than a rumble because my trust is not infinite nor free. it will hurt but i know that if boundary is crossed, i will not hold on

day 1434 – gadget goodies

my order of phone goodies came in and couldn’t wait to mount it on my dash. put quite a bit of money into my gadgets and accessories lately but these are quite necessary. i feel i’m overdue to put myself higher on the priority list and spend more on the things I like and upgrade myself. it’ll happen in phases – this is the first of it. maybe an upgrade is what I need to get me out of this funk and depressing state