day 2557 – hurts internally

i was told if my cartwheel looked good during warm up, i should try to land it on the floor tonight. it started off really promising, the first cartwheels felt good and my first blue attempts also felt decent. as i did more warm ups, they started declining and before i knew it, my chances were basically gone. i went home feeling ever so disappointed because i’m hovering and getting close, but still not there yet. it’s really upsetting that i was finally given the opportunity, but i didn’t take advantage of it. i’m disappointed it didn’t happen tonight; i didn’t earn it. it really hurts inside and i’m scared i don’t have what it takes to get it

day 2527 – hand imaging

finally going into the imaging centre to take xrays on my finger. the delay is because i was in denial that my hunch was correct. even though i had a hunch and i knew very well something was wrong, the confirmed fracture made my heart sink and made me feel deflated. all this time i’ve been on it and training with an unconfirmed fractured finger. at least i found out the real results after two weeks of guessing. the steps ahead are very unclear for the time being. i can only look forward to taking care of this finger the best i can

day 1290 – sums it up 

img_20200204_1645103607923190716567328.jpgthis pretty much sums up how i’m feeling about myself and my life lately. i can’t seem to get my stuff together and time after after i disappoint myself. got to the lowest point in a quite some time and i am in disbelief when i found out. i definitely feel undeserving of some basic privileges. the long weekend comes timely because i can take this time to regroup and find something new. i better get it together in a hurry or else it might turn out to be self harming

day 732 – rays as directed

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went in for another set of xrays early morning to see why this foot is so annoying. another couple days before i get the report to see if there’s any major damage done. i sure hope there’s no fracture and nothing wrong with the bone structure or else i will be so deflated as if my life ended right there. it’s not cool when i have been through so many sets of xrays i almost know exactly what the whole process is

struggle is real

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i won’t lie, i am defeated and deflated. ever since coming back from nationals earlier this week, i have yet to get a good night’s sleep or get much sleep at all. my mind is constantly thinking; thinking nonstop, even when i am tired because i cannot fall asleep because it hurts me so. feeling depressed and disappointed not because of my performance or that i didn’t have a podium finish. it’s seeing the national battlefield and noticing my competition continues to get better year after year for they have proper coaching to lead them up. i want to stay with the pack and give myself a good chance, but i am beginning to think doing it alone is next to impossible. there’s a lot of skepticism about how my road ahead looks like and what i should be doing when it doesn’t look like it’s going to take me to the destination of my choice. struggling mightily to figure out what i need to do in order to give myself the best possible chance for success. for the time being, i see no possible room for advancement if i continue to train here, simply because there is no adequate resources in this area. that’s what happens when we are leading the pack in the province but there’s no support from the school up top. for as long as i stay here, every step of the way will be a struggle. i need to figure out something to draw out and realize my fullest potential and do what’s best for me