day 1621 – big lifts


had an extremely late night but woke up early with a few things in mind. hitting the gym was mandatory, for today is designated for strength. the few hours of shut eye took a toll on me and took me a few hours to halt the lethargy. since i anticipated on training, i didn’t want to eat and went with the banana i stuffed down an hour ago. making my way to the gym with an empty stomach and was probably a horrible idea. i knew it was going to be a grind, but feels good to still have gotten through the heavy big lifts. with all that delay, i didn’t get any food in me until roughly half past five. need to be cautious not to be malnutritioned where all my meals are jumbled up like today 

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day 1606 – photorefractive

didn’t end up having surgery done for my thumb back in october, but i certainly am having one done today. it took quite some courage to pull the trigger but prk finally done in the books. it’s a huge trigger and a huge change that i gladly braved, knowing it will be miserable during recovery stages. it involved a large sum, but i’m all in to making everything about my future brighter. rarely do i make clear cut decisions, but this one i made with confidence, for it will pay dividends in the long run

day 1548 – hand specialist 


i know my way around the clinic the second time around and the same radiologist helped me take another batch of xrays. the bad news couldn’t get any worse each batch as the ones taken today shows my bone is now displaced and not in the right place. with that, the specialist decided surgery will take place tomorrow and i’ll be opened to do one of the two possible procedures. the news hit me hard, so stunned i wasn’t able to collect any of my emotions to react or think. the rest of the day was a blur because i felt completely empty inside with no feelings, no appetite, no motivation and none of anything. i beared all that burden alone as if i’ve always been alone from the start. i finally cried well into the evening and i’m glad i did; i found out at least i have emotions. i’m not scared of the procedure, but the thought of having something inserted in me makes me not me

day 1425 – waterworks

when was the last time i smiled from the heart?? please take me back in time and erase the nightmare i’ve been trapped in. there’s just no smiling today; not even the fakest. the only thing i did was cry as it continuously and uncontrollably roll down. my eyes were like waterfall no matter how hard i tried not to think. my eyes are tired, my mind is tired and so is my heart. the uncertainties of what i should do is far from over. i can’t imagine going to work tomorrow and anything acting like myself

day 1094 – recondition

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getting up is what happens after falling down. restarting today is the best choice because focusing on my journey and devoting more time on myself is vital to a healthier and happier me. going into the gym and lifting usually makes my day better. today was no different as i surprisingly upped my deadlift numbers. i learned that i can’t do everything alone; sometimes opening up and turning to others helps me better manage my stress. my journey is not going to be easy, but i look forward to improving and picking up a few new things every step of the way

day 1042 – fair ground

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it’s just like any other night hanging out high above the ground, except not. it’s just the same old me climbing on all inanimate objects, except different. it’s just one of those nights i wasn’t feeling like me and did a few unexpected things out of my norm. i have held it long enough and i knew it was only a matter of time before i blew. i don’t know if i made the right decision, but i made one and will stick by it

day 893 – tough decision

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alone late at night thinking long and hard about my decision. truly thankful for all the supportive feedback i’ve received from the people i’ve spoken with on this topic; it made this tough stretch a little less painful. i think i have made my final decision to pass up what i’ve been dreaming of the past half a year – a chance at us open. perhaps having this decision made will end all those nights of waking up at 4am feeling extremely stressed. i’m no doubt disappointed i chose to back out of this opportunity but i feel it’s the right decision at this point. i feel terrible for all those that put their time and energy into getting me ready for this event, i feel bad i couldn’t make it happen. maybe it’s a sign i need to work harder on both my mental and physical game to earn my ticket to a competition as grand as us open. i haven’t given up my competition dreams, it just means i get a head start to preparing and training for the future ones. next up: nationals