day 891 – major crossroad

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training tonight was unlike any training i have been to for the past several years. i’m afraid there’s so much to work on and not enough time to get myself up to his standards, or even my own standards. i can only promise to try my best, but no guarantees i will get it down pat. the fear of undertaking this daunting endeavour alone is frightful, i’m afraid i won’t live up to expectations and disappoint those that invested time in getting me there. i don’t know how long i’d last or if this is the right moment to jump off the train now

respect myself

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there comes a time when i have to weigh in the goods and bads and determine what is best for me. i must stop serving others and stop doing things for the sake of doing things because life is not about what others want. i have a tendency of putting myself and my own well being in the backseat while always putting others first and making sure everyone else is content. part of the challenge of life is learning everyday, no matter who it may be and what stage of life you are at. lately, the advice crossed my mind to take the courage to step away from the things and commitments that no longer make me happy, that no longer gives me the satisfaction it once did. i feel like i am at a multi directional intersection where it’s time to make changes and decide what i want to hang onto, what i want to do, and what direction and aspect i want to take and improve upon. i would be the first to admit i take on a lot and not all are self chosen. my life would be a lot happier and a lot less grim once i determine what it is what drives my passion, and what commitments i need to leave behind. not saying that i will stop helping others, but first and foremost, i need to ensure that i have time for myself and am taken care of properly. i am urged to think more about myself and less of others; in other words listen to my beating of my own heart because my main purpose of existence is not serving the world. it may sound selfish, but i am simply trying to live and enjoy my life, just like how everyone else is