day 1250 – diffident

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it was new years day and i just wanted to be home so i could be antisocial. being rattled and feeling unworthy in so many ways. my disappointment and discomfort loomed over, i didn’t even make it into the gym. instead, i rang in the new year with all sorts of organizational work and kept myself as busy as possible. i worked like a robot and had a productive day, but i didn’t feel much satisfaction. i spent the night spilling my thoughts on the keyboard to erase today and start again tomorrow

solo series [day two]

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after a thirteen hour flight, i have safely landed at hong kong airport. during the long flight, i napped, ate, wrote and watched movies; i only got up twice to use the washroom. my back and legs are extremely stiff and i seriously couldn’t help but to miss the gym already

my parents flew in earlier last week. however, i was a surprise visitor; no one knew i was going to make an appearance. when i rang my grandma’s doorbell, she was so stunned she was at a loss of words. she reminds me i haven’t been back to visit since 2013? i am always amazed at her memory; hard to imagine a ninety year old has a better memory than me. thankfully it’s not as hot as i expected it to be for this time of the year, but i heard it was pretty hot and humid a few days ago

of course gym is not the only thing i miss back in vancouver. i already miss mo dearly. i always glance at my watch wondering how he’s doing and what he is up to. i hope he’s working hard back home and catching up with people he hasn’t seen for a while

although i slept on the plane, going through so many flights and the troubles of getting on and off them has been taxing. i really wanted to wait until mo was awake before i head to bed but my head and eyes were hurting. it was time to call it a day

struggle is real

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i won’t lie, i am defeated and deflated. ever since coming back from nationals earlier this week, i have yet to get a good night’s sleep or get much sleep at all. my mind is constantly thinking; thinking nonstop, even when i am tired because i cannot fall asleep because it hurts me so. feeling depressed and disappointed not because of my performance or that i didn’t have a podium finish. it’s seeing the national battlefield and noticing my competition continues to get better year after year for they have proper coaching to lead them up. i want to stay with the pack and give myself a good chance, but i am beginning to think doing it alone is next to impossible. there’s a lot of skepticism about how my road ahead looks like and what i should be doing when it doesn’t look like it’s going to take me to the destination of my choice. struggling mightily to figure out what i need to do in order to give myself the best possible chance for success. for the time being, i see no possible room for advancement if i continue to train here, simply because there is no adequate resources in this area. that’s what happens when we are leading the pack in the province but there’s no support from the school up top. for as long as i stay here, every step of the way will be a struggle. i need to figure out something to draw out and realize my fullest potential and do what’s best for me