day 1312 – team competitors 

competition day in portland came really quickly. i had low expectations going in because of what happened recently and the luck of poomsae draw didn’t help either. practice was sparse cause of the lack of time and the timing of injuries. i admit at times i didn’t try to make time to practice and even wanted to withdraw so i won’t disappoint anyone. i pulled together a gutsy performance today and took a gold and a satisfying bronze. i’m glad i was there to prove myself

Advertisements

silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

day 1185 – woodburn night

image

another early morning to check into the convention centre by 7am. both poomsae and sparring divisions had some high calibre athletes. after a full morning being at the competition, we went for an early italian dinner before hitting up woodburn. it was time to relax and do some shopping at the outlet, but the many sales made me quite anxious. there’s so much i want to buy, but i managed not to splurge on all my wants

day 1183 – lucky money

image

got my good luck red pocket money, one from my parents and one from the grandmaster. i’m all packed up for a good weekend in oregon. i’ll be there to scout and chill with my teammates for first two days, then my competition begins on saturday. i’ll also take this time off as a break from everything, relax and enjoy the moment. it was difficult trying to fit all my stuff into one duffel and backpack. now time for a red-eye drive down to portland

day 1173 – no go

image

concluded my month-long debate with a tough decision. my team was shocked with the news, but concerned about my well-being. i’m passing on president cup as i didn’t have enough training time to feel prepared for an international event. i do have every intention to compete at the grassroot competition on the same weekend; couldn’t pass up on both events because my heart wants to compete. there’s no way of hiding my disappointment. i felt so dejected there was no way i could get my head in it to practice today. perhaps when i wake up tomorrow morning, i might feel relieved that at least a decision was made. only time will heal both wounds

day 1154 – hold off

image

i feel like i’ve lost control of what i can control. i can’t hide the disappointment that hit me when physio told me to stop and rest for a week. he rarely does that to me and usually lets me play within my limits, so when he does, i know it’s severe. that means skipping games, gym, trainings…does it also mean skip my competition?? how long i manage to stay away remains to be seen. overwhelming day with that news, school and more life questions

day 1149 – plate less

image

it’s an off day away from the gym once again so here’s my version of throwback thursday. every time i walk by this rack i have the urge to lift these. it’s been weeks since i have and i miss it too much. i disregarded restrictions and tried on a number of occasions, but ended up giving my back more setbacks. i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t in pain more than half my waking hour, but i want to keep doing what i do. more importantly, my october competition status is up in the air if it doesn’t get better soon. i can only stay patient for so long, and i am not a patient person when it comes to recovery. when will i be back lifting normally without pain??