day 1597 – clinic time

hand therapy appointments can’t be described as fun when they passively manipulate my joints to do what it can’t do at this point. this visit was a little of waxing, ultrasound, heat pads and exercise mixed in. although it’s still not as functional like i need it to be, regaining some functions is noticeable progress. an increase in grip strength and pinch strength is expected but still good to see. it will come back to me soon. it’s in my nature to be pushing harder than what i should be going for

day 1588 – gymery

though not cleared for most activities i do, the surgeon has given me the okay to be here. my gear was ready and my bag was packed while i waited for his signal. it’s the first time in over two months i could legitmately be here in my happy place doing the happy things. a stupid setback happened due to my impatience and inability to stay put. i thought i was okay, i wanted to be okay, but only after exerting it did i find out it was still premature

 

day 1574 – surgeon visit 

fifth time into the clinic and fifth set of xrays, the radiologist has gotten to know me too well. hand specialist handed me some good news today that gave me a reason to smile and it wasn’t that my bone has grown back together cause the xrays are still ugly. in fact, he reiterates my bone will never be straight again, it will never appear as one piece, it may always have clicking inside, but he intends on making my thumb work again. my splint is trimmed down a little and i’m given the go ahead on certain things. it just means i now have less restrictions as to how often i need to wear it. the road is a little more clear now

day 1559 – occupational therapy 

walking into the hand therapy clinic made me feel inferior, maybe because of the ghetto apparatuses, maybe because i was outnumbered by elderlies. therapist did a few tests before i soaked my hand in a so called whirlpool. dipped my hand in a pot of wax before she started manipulating it in ways that was utmost uncomfortable. the passive force was tender at the shattered joint and the connecting soft tissue. i was told the improvement is promising, but also reminded me my bone was broken in pieces that also involved a joint. as such, there will be complications and requires much more patience from me

day 1548 – hand specialist 


i know my way around the clinic the second time around and the same radiologist helped me take another batch of xrays. the bad news couldn’t get any worse each batch as the ones taken today shows my bone is now displaced and not in the right place. with that, the specialist decided surgery will take place tomorrow and i’ll be opened to do one of the two possible procedures. the news hit me hard, so stunned i wasn’t able to collect any of my emotions to react or think. the rest of the day was a blur because i felt completely empty inside with no feelings, no appetite, no motivation and none of anything. i beared all that burden alone as if i’ve always been alone from the start. i finally cried well into the evening and i’m glad i did; i found out at least i have emotions. i’m not scared of the procedure, but the thought of having something inserted in me makes me not me

day 1545 – shrinking fast

i was so curious to see what was going on underneath the tensor band and fiberglass. the doctor at checkup reminded me to be a good patient; clearly, he had a good reason to remind me. thinking it’s okay to unwrap it for a couple hours while i’m working from home. it’s unhealthy skin tone with wrinkly dead skin was an unpleasant sight. after not using it for over just two weeks, my left wrist is shrinking big time. i am very worried that after my six weeks is up, there will be nothing left in my arm and i won’t have any muscles left

day 1543 – muggy days


a whole week of wet and muggy weather further dampens my already bad mood at the moment. day fourteen of being in a splint and i can’t help but feel very depressed that i can’t do seemingly basic things. others just see me as being grumpy; it’s hard for anyone to understand what it means to me to be on the sideline missing out what i love doing. i’m doing everything to the best of my abilities, and that makes people forget how much pain and inconvenience i’m in. the countdown continues, but the thought of taking the risk is always on my mind