day 1573 – unravel

not the typical day i thought it would be at work. i thought i would go about my own business and keep my composure just as i’ve always done, but i unraveled in a hurry. i refused to bring my personal life to work and need not to explain the battles i fight. i was in pure frustration to hear people who have no idea what i’m going through make ignorant assumptions and go as far as using ‘abusing rights’. i never want to unload any of my problems on anyone cause i believed i’m tough enough to shoulder my own burden. clearly i haven’t said enough; hr and manager are asking to be let in on things i bottled up for much too long. they want to be my outlet and they want me to know i can let them in

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day 1405 – rendering

still made it to work feeling unwell since i need to crank out renderings for client. adamant on my gym routines after work regardless. part of my workout came to a halt when i felt sharp pain in my hip. i rested a little and popped some painkillers before leaving the gym with limbs shaking. sharp pain hit me again mid way through a dodgeball game; my hip felt paralyzed for a second and i couldn’t bend over. i have yet to play a robot night without pain and never knew how much this car accident would impact my daily life and movement. but what hurts most going home wasn’t my hip but my heart. this time i can’t really brush it off and pretend i’m okay with it

day 1394 – speak easy

nationals in the back of my mind the whole day made me so restless. i never expected the decision to be easy to overcome, and i think i handled it the best i could. what made it more difficult was i had no one to speak my mind and made it less inviting when i’m constantly being criticized, teased or ignored. i feel like i’m taking this on alone and less willing to pour my heart out knowing i’m going to get insults. i don’t know how long i can take the punishment

silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

believe myself

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i told myself time after time that i wouldn’t spill because i shouldn’t let any negativity ruin my holiday mood, and then things happened again which really put me over the top. people never realize how much crap i take from others. i take them in like a sponge, but it never dissipates. i just bury my emotions deep inside so no one can see; hidden so well others forget i have feelings, so well sometimes i forget too. i brush it off like it doesn’t hurt but it does. i just wished people were a little more sensitive with their comments and actions.  my silence just means i chose to hold my thoughts in, but the feeling of disconnect and exclusion still exists. it hurts assumptions were made without understanding how hard i worked. those who haven’t seen me at my worst have no idea what i’ve gone through and what it was like to get here. don’t look down upon me and make presumptions that i’m not good enough. i’ve worked far too hard for anyone to tell me otherwise. i learned that even when i’m belittled, i’ll still believe in myself because i’ve proven i can stand alone. sometimes a little consideration goes a long way because never underestimate the power of the little things that make a big difference

 

fulfilment

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heaving a ten tonne rock off my shoulders is an appropriate representation as i haven’t felt so relieved in far too long. it may not mean anything to others, but to me, no words can describe how much receiving that call means to me. for the past year, i struggled to find myself, to accept myself and to be myself. i would hate myself for never being good enough at everything and for anything, often had internal war within. i went though down times that caused eating problems which consequently wrecked my body in too many ways. i bottled up all my problems and feelings, and avoided sensitive topics at all costs. it got to the point where i lost interest in a lot of things and wanted to confine myself in my own space so i didn’t have to talk. at last i opened up to a selected few; i need not to mention any names as you know who you are. i’m thankful that while i was going through my wildest and worst times, you came to the rescue and stood by me. thank you for being patient with me when i was going through some of the roughest times. for piecing me together and keeping me together when i was self destructing. for not rushing me to become something i wasn’t ready to become. for supporting me to find what i truly wanted. for accepting me with open arms and caressing me when i needed you most. it’s you that kept me afloat and a good reason why i’m still alive and striving to this day. through this process i’ve learned an abundance of things –  it’s okay to have weak moments but i’ve learned to be strong. many times i thought i had turned the corner, only to stumbled back in. today i can safely and assertively say i have found my way out of this gigantic hole, and i will only move forward in the direction i’ve always wanted to go but didn’t dare to go. i have a very good reason to smile as i’m leaving everything behind and starting my new episode fresh. i have found myself and i’ll be chasing whatever fulfills my heart

day 869 – by the litre

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i don’t drink much water or liquid in a day but i was up very late trying to down this bottle of litre water cause i said i would. so i fell off the track this week due to the uncertainties surrounding my finger which is ultimately the deciding factor for my next competition. i was very down and worried to say the least but only bottle up all those stresses and downplayed it as much as possible so not to let others worry. the past four days have been horrible; i spent much time being stressed and depressed, and couldn’t will myself to do anything. enough of being a pessimist, no matter what my physio says tomorrow, i am going to get myself back on track at being the best that i should be. don’t write me off until physio gives me the verdict. but even then, just because i don’t go to this competition, doesn’t mean i give up on my next competition